How "How I Met Your Mother" Ruined My Day

My name is Victoria and I'm a masochist. The saddest part - I never intend to bum myself out, but here I am in an incredibly bad mood. 

Why? Because of How I Met Your Mother, that's why! 

Now, everything is upsetting me. My cluttered house. The stack of homework I have yet to start. The numerous hours I still have to clock this semester. The fact that I have school TWICE this week and my school is an hour away. The fact that one of those days I have a THREE HOUR BREAK!

The anger and frustrations, while present, are only masking my true feelings. Let me start by saying that I'm grateful to be in a place where I can recognize these feelings and realize that I'm lashing out. Believe me, it use to not be this way. What are these hidden and secretive feelings? They're not so secretive. I feel alone. I feel left out. I feel isolated. I feel no one cares. I feel no matter how hard I try, I'm never going to be anyone's priority. I feel I'm losing my family. I feel my friends are walking away. 

I feel ...exhausted.

The day started incredibly uneasy. My weekend was filled with fun, cuddles, and loads of downtime with my current (a post for another day). Today, however, started with me being bailed on, me being left out, and me spending the whole day alone. In true fashion, I proceeded to watch TV all day instead of being productive. Netflix has recently released the last season of How I Met Your Mother and I've been so anxiously waiting to find out how Ted and Tracy meet!

Anyhow, I'm minding my own business, camped out in the living and scarfing down Chinese food when THIS happens!

Tracy is at a bar and this guy, Louis, buys her a drink and proceeds to ask her out. The dialogue is as follows:

Louis: "So, do you want to get dinner sometime?"

Tracy: "Louis, you're really nice, but I was in love with somebody a long time ago and he died."

Louis: "Oh, I'm sorry"

Tracy: "No, I'm sorry. It's silly, but it's like the first lottery ticket I ever bought was kaboom, jackpot, and I'm pretty sure I'm not going to win again, not like that anyway. So I don't generally buy lottery tickets anymore."

This is exactly how I feel and I'm almost positive this is the reason I'm so reserved in my current relationship. Actually, I'm pretty positive this feeling is the reason behind most things I do. 

For example, my current and I have had many downs! He's not perfect, nor have I ever claimed him to be. Please note that I'm not excusing previous behavior, but we're working through things and we'd appreciate support. We fight .. a lot! We think completely differently. We have completely different aspirations and completely different plans for the future. But he loves me! The closer I feel he gets, the more fights I pick and the faster I run. Why? Because I already won the lottery so obviously I'm just going to get hurt, right? I'm one of those old-fashioned, you-only-get-one kinda thinkers. I already had my one. There shouldn't be any more, right?

That's my thought! I don't know if Corey is right for me and if we're destined to be together, but how am I ever going to find out if I keep holding on to someone who isn't here? I'm not! Even with this realization, I can't seem to let Danny go. He's such a vital part of who I am and the person I want to be.

How do you let that go? How does one live life without that part of you? How does one give herself completely to another when part of her has died?

I don't know the answers to these questions. Nor do I know if a future relationship can be had with these questions unanswered. Then again, I always felt that when the right person came along ..things with him and I and Danny's memory would just work out.

I'm thoroughly upset though and thoroughly confused. My heart aches ..for comfort, closeness, closure, and peace. 

 Peace and Love, 

V

Mornin' Y'al!

Morning y'all! 

Happy Tuesday!

I can't begin to explain the joy and peace I woke up with this morning. Why am I so overwhelmed with happiness? It's the middle of the semester, I have a million and one things to accomplish today, and my love life is on the rocks.

So.

Why?

Because today is a simply beautiful day. I WOKE UP! I'm able to walk and talk and breathe on my own. The morning is gorgeous. The air is crisp and cool. The sun is breaking through the dark, night sky. I have food in my fridge and coffee on the counter.

I am BLESSED beyond measure!

Is everything perfect? Absolutely not.

Is everything going my way? Definitely not.

I'm alive though! I have the capability and opportunity to live. Do you know how many people are denied that opportunity? How many people are waking up today without the ability to breathe on their own, to speak, to move their own bodies? Millions!

I'm blessed with the ability to live life! So why shouldn't I be happy? Why shouldn't I get up at 6am to freeze on the patio and contemplate how great life is?

Today's a great day. We're all blessed to have it. So live it. Love it. Today will never come again!

Peace and Love

V

"Meal Prep Monday" ...went a smidge awry

Monday - The first day of the week. The day to plunge into the weekly task list.

Fortunately for me, I generally don't work Monday, which is absolutely amazing since it allows me adequate time to rest after the busy weekend, get a jump start on weekly assignments, and most of all meal prep!

Disclaimer: I use to be really, really, really into health. As in, I counted calories like it was my job, ensured I had well-balanced meals, etc. Then. Danny died. I know I go back to that marker in my life a lot, but that's when things changed. Anyhow, as of lately, my diet has consisted of take-out and fast food and it is taking me entirely too long to get back into a semi-healthy lifestyle. But never fear, I'm not the type to give up without a fight.

This weekend has been exceptionally "fall-like"; cooler weather, wind blowing, etc. This always throws me in the mood for southern comfort food. I've taken that concept and ran ...maybe a little too far. Then again, how wrong is pumpkin and chili? And if that's wrong, I don't think I wanna be right!

First on the list: PUMPKIN SPICE COFFEE CREAMER! I know this isn't really a "meal prep" item, but hello! PUMPKIN SPICE! It literally turns coffee into heaven. I swear, y'all. And at only 15 calories a pop, I'll take it!

Next, bring on the homemade apple butter. Don't dock me for the lack of "progress" pictures, I was in a hurry. It is delicious, though! Seriously, y'all. Swipe a tad on cinnamon raisin bagel thins and BAM! Go here to find the recipe.

Peanut Butter Dip - this can make the angels sing! Apples are in season so they already taste amazing. Add this to those apple slices and here you have a delicious 150 calorie snack. Now the whole wide world is jealous of you! Recipe

PUMPKIN SCONES! Amazing. Point. Blank. Period. Find the recipe here!

Finally, lets wrap up the weekly goodies with chicken chili and cornbread! Recipe

Now that meals and snacks are prepped and stored away, bring on the week! The headache that is nursing school. And the amazing satisfaction of caring for people who need my help!

Peace and Love

V

Nursing Student in the ICU - Month One

Tomorrow marks one month since I started my practicum at Emory's ICU. Crazy, right?

AND! There is only 82 more days until I'm officially graduated!! (: Totally insane!

The ICU is definitely intense. But as crazy and hectic as it is, it feels like home. I find comfort in the chaos. Looking back at the month I've spent here, it's crazy how much I've learned!

To name a few (in no particular order of course) ...

1. Bring your lunch - always! Even when you don't feel like packing a lunch, pack one anyways! As a nurse, you never get a lunch break. Most days your lunch is split in 5-minute increments of you scarfing down something before Patient Z needs something and another 5-minute session before Patient Y needs something else. AND it never fails that the ONE DAY you don't bring anything, you get caught up with a procedure or a patient crashing and the cafeteria closes before you get down there.
2. Critical patients don't always appear critical - pay attention and do your assessments accurately and thoroughly. 
3. Monitor your patients! This may sound like an easy-peasy thing to learn, but I'm so serious. As a nurse, you get so caught up in what you're doing that it's easy to forget you have another patient. Always set your monitors to view both! (:
4. Alarm fatigue is something serious! Just pay attention.
5. Family members are meaner than the patients. Don't let them get to you! Remember it's THEIR mother/father/husband/wife/son/daughter/friend that's critically ill. They get to be a little rude.
6. Confused patients are aggressive. And strong! Deal with them early and get help promptly from the mid-levels. Ativan is wonderful. Versed is even better!
7. Versed is for sedation. Fentanyl is for pain and sedation.
8. Quiet patients aren't always better! Again, assess thoroughly, adequately and frequently.
9. When performing oral care, be sure to suction the patient's mouth! This may sound like a "duh!" thing, but I totally didn't do this the first time and almost choked my patient. So. Seriously. Suction y'all!
10. Always assess drains and dressings ..and change immediately when about half full/saturated. No seriously. Watch those things! It's a NIGHTMARE to clean up if you don't!
11. Never give Vancomycin and Zosyn together! They're not compatible - make sure you have a separate lumen or another IV site and DO NOT use a Y-connector!
12. EVERYONE has lots of monitors, lots of wires, and lots of IV lines. Untangle them frequently - trust me, it's a hassle but it makes life easier. 
13. Label all of your lines - the day it needs to be changed AND the medicine it's used for!
14. Never let your lines run dry. It takes so much more work to re-prime lines because of an air bubble. So...just don't do it!
15. Always get help when turning patients. Seriously! Don't kill yourself over that 300lb man! Just find a team of people - or hell, get a sling and let the machine do it. 
16. Chart everything and frequently! This totally covers your ass when and if something goes wrong!
17. You never forget the first patient of yours to die. Never. Ever. And you'll have nightmares about it. But please remember, you did all that you could.
18. Nothing...and I mean, NOTHING beats the feeling of seeing a patient that was crashing and on total life support a week ago sitting up, talking, and telling you that he/she appreciates everything you've done and are doing for him/her. 
19. I have yet to meet a healthcare member in ICU that doesn't believe in God. I don't know how you couldn't believe after seeing the miracles we see every week. 

4 weeks and this is what I've learned. 

I feel like a "nurse" now! Which is absolutely crazy. I'm still a student and there is a mountain of things I don't know yet or how to do yet, but things are familiar now. Things are clicking now! And that's a level I questioned achieving. I doubted time after time that I'd get the hang of it. But I am and for that, I'm entirely grateful. There is nothing in this world I'd rather be doing.

Peace and Love,

V

In the midst of my pity part, I remember something very, crucially important.

I’m 23 years old.

It’s Friday night.

My plans? I had dinner with mama at Waffle House and came home to an empty apartment.

I’m living the life, right? WRONG!

Tonight, via Facebook of course, folks are celebrating life with their friends, enjoying dates with their spouses, or spending much needed time unwinding with their families. I don’t have that – and that’s a terrible feeling.

I desire nothing more than a family of my own. I envision coming home from a long shift to find a husband and children running through the house. I can see us cooking supper together and sitting down to enjoy said food. I can imagine evening walks. I want bath times and bedtimes and fairytales to send the kiddos to dreamland. I want to cuddle with a husband and watch late-night television or just talk about our day before we retire to the bedroom. I can imagine waking up late to the man of my dreams on lazy weekends and making pancakes every Saturday morning. I dream of Sunday afternoon lunch with the whole family, my parents and siblings included.

I want this perfect, fairytale life. And tonight, it’s just me. Alone. In an empty apartment.

However, in the midst of my pity party, I remember something very, crucially important.

Delight thyself also in the Lord; and He shall give thee the desires of thine heart.

Psalms 37:4

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding 

Proverbs 3:5

Peace and Love,

V

t w e n t y t h r e e

On this day, twenty-three years ago a beautiful baby girl was born into this world. That would be me! (:

A lot of people would say that the 23^rd birthday is irrelevant. Twenty-three is just a number and nothing special happens. You can already drive, already enlist, already drink, and are already considered an adult. All the while, being a few years shy of a clean driving record and an AARP. By 23, some are on their way down an isle, some are starting or already have a family, some are still trying to find their way out of the local bar, and some are still trying to figure out what they what for their lives.

I’d love to say I’m no different. In some ways I’m not. But in other ways, I’m aged far beyond my years. I’ve seen more than a few, I’ve lived more than some, and I’ve experienced more emotional turmoil than many ever will.

Let me disclaim myself by saying, I’m not writing this post for pity or to downplay anyone else’s experiences. But this is my testament to how far I’ve come. I've overcome the loss of my best friend. I've endured the tragic loss of my fiancé. I'm dealing with debilitating migraines. I've graduate the University of Georgia. I am only a few months shy of completing my Masters degree and starting my career. 

I've learned of life's challenges the hard way. I've learned that grief cannot be rushed. I've learned that some people are better left in the past. I've learned that I'm far better off alone than with someone who doesn't treat me like a queen. I've learned that family will not always have your back, but God always will. 

Twenty-three, for me, is just the beginning.

I found myself this morning waking with peace! It's a strange, yet blissful feeling.

Over the past couple years, I’ve found myself lost. Lost in a sea of what could have been, what should have been, what would have been, and the most devastating of all, why would this happen.

A few months shy of two years ago, I lost my favorite person in this world. As much as I tried to deny it, my world revolved around him and his service. And as much as I tried to deny it, I loved every minute of it. With him deployed, my days were filled with writing letters and emails, creating care-packages, wondering where he was and if he was okay. That was my life.

Was it stressful? Absolutely.

Would I recommend it? Never.

Would I do it again? For Danny, no doubt.

When he died, I lost my mind. How was I supposed to live? What was I supposed to do? I didn’t know how to act, what to do, or how to be “normal” again. I don’t even know if normal was a feasible option, but I was trying harder than I ever tried before.

I pretended I wasn’t hurting,

I pretended I could live without remembering him.

I pretended I was the person that could jump from relationship to relationship, man to man without too much commitment.

I pretended I wanted companionship, not a future.

I pretended. And pretended. And pretended some more. Until I believed I was that person. Everyday I believed I was that person, a part of Victoria died – the part of me that I loved, that Danny loved, that GOD loved.

I believed whole-heartedly that Danny was taken from me because I had done something wrong. I searched and prayed for an answer, but none were to be found. We hadn’t done anything “wrong”. Were we reckless teenagers? Yes. Did we make mistakes? Yes. Our relationship, however, was founded around our faith and God sat in the middle of it. Never have I ever felt God so strongly as I did when that man prayed with me, when we sat on the phone Saturday nights and read the Bible together, or when he’d hold my hand in his daddy’s church. God was with us. God was in us. And I didn’t understand why He wouldn’t let us work out.

My lack of understanding is the root of all my problems! This was a big one though. Because I didn’t understand, I just stopped. I stopped trying. I stopped going to church. I stopped believing God cared. I stopped believing that the one person that could help me, would actually help me.

It started with me blaming school for my lack of participation and presence.

Then I started dating around.

Then I started being careless.

Then I stopped caring about being careless.

Then I did whatever I wanted.

It was a vicious cycle and I was trapped.

After the events of the past few weeks, I found myself in church like I had several times before; sitting next to my mama in a pretty dress, having a mini-pity party, and thinking about anything but God and the service. As I’m sitting there, the choir comes down and the preacher takes the stand. I would love to tell where he preached from and explain the sermon that changed my whole world. But I cannot. As he took the stand, he recited a verse and God stopped me dead in my tracks.

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths. 

Proverbs 3:5-6

These are scriptures we’ve all heard over and over again. This passage has blown up on pinterest and tumblr as some of the most encouraging passages in the Bible. And while I know this scripture by heart, something clicked.

I felt God!

I realized quite a few things yesterday in my backwoods, hillbilly-filled, small-town Baptist church.

1. I don’t have to understand God’s plan. The point is that He has one and I'm a part of it. Regardless of my illness, regardless of my experiences, and regardless of my rebellion. He has a plan! I’m a part of that plan! I don’t have to know exactly what that plan entails a hundred years from now. I just have to trust Him to provide for me and to place me where I should be. I have to be a vessel; full and willing to be used.
2. God's plan for Danny was fulfilled. Danny followed God and trusted Him to guide his life. Danny’s purpose, whatever that was, had been met. Why would God allow him to stay on Earth amidst the temptations, trials, and troubles if he had already fulfilled his purpose? So while his untimely death might seem torturous and unfair to me, Danny is singing among the angels in heaven. He’s at peace. He’s looking down on me, wondering why I’m being so dumb! He's fine! He wants nothing more than for me to be okay and happy again.
3. No matter what trials I face, God is in control. He knows what he’s doing and I really need to start trusting that. Trust Him with my health. Trust Him with my relationships. Trust Him with my career. Trust Him with my life!

I found myself this morning waking with peace. It's a strange, yet blissful feeling. I don't know what today will hold nor do I know what this week will hold nor do I know what this year will hold. But today, for the first time in a really long time, I don't need to know for I know who holds today and tomorrow and this year and eternity.

Happy Monday y'all!

Peace and Love,

V