..and in Atlanta, Georgia, there's peace on Earth tonight.

Ahhh, Christmastime again.

I suppose it's true what they say - time eases all pain. Just two short years ago, I remember writing a post explaining how Christmas was different with Danny gone and it would never be the same (relive that torture here). That Christmas and the one following it was lonely and I had never felt so miserable. I watched people gather with the ones they love and enjoy making precious memories with them. I wasn't present though; my heart just wasn't in it.

This year was different - and for that, I'm so very thankful.

My church sponsors many children each year, ensuring those within our community have presents to open on Christmas. In the months leading up to Christmas, my mom and I were responsible for this project and it's success (oh, the joys of being a deacon family!). Many would have complained about this task and all that it required. I, however, found that the longer I worked and shopped for these children, I was happy and content …and joyous! The meaning of Christmas came alive in my heart. That's right y'all, the grinch that had began to despise Christmas, was looking forward to the day when these children could open their gifts and was caught praying they would have a Christmas to remember. Christmas became less about who was missing, and more about who I was still blessed to have in my life. Christmas became less about what I was given, and more about what I could give to everyone around me.

"But this I say, he which soweth sparingly shall reap also sparingly; and he which soweth bountifully shall reap also bountifully. Every man according as he purposeth in his heart, so let him give; not grudgingly, or of necessity: for God loveth a cheerful giver." 2 Corinthians 9:6-7

Christmas Eve

Christmas 2014

This Christmas my family was also able to give the gift of fellowship, time, and joy to three lovely children within our inner circle. My family was blessed with tickets to Snow Mountain's Christmas Village. So we suited up, met with Ms. Brenda and her adorable babies, and headed out. We watched Christmas shows, saw a snow angel flying, watched fireworks, and then took a chilly train ride to round out the night. My whole day was made watching these tiny humans light up! The joy and pure happiness in their faces was priceless!

This day was only made better by the miracle that followed. As I mentioned earlier, my family was given tickets for this attraction. These tickets are about $45 per person, including small children. The White's are blessed, but we're certainly not rich. We struggle from month to month and barely get by. I don't say this for pity, but rather to make the point that there is no way we could afford this on our own and we were blessed with this opportunity. Collectively, we were given 10 tickets. Holy moly, that's $450 worth of tickets …given to us! What a blessing!! However, as you can see in the pictures below, there are only NINE of us (my sister chose not to go). Due to work schedules, we could only spend a few hours at the park and by the time we got there, the main attraction was the fireworks and the late-night train ride. With one ticket that expired in just a few days, mom and I made the decision to give the ticket away to someone in line. With that, I began to walk around to find someone to give this ticket. That's when I saw them. A young couple with two toddler aged children and they were heavily staring at the price board. These were the ones; I felt it. I walked up to them, explained the situation, and asked if they'd like the ticket. Tears immediately filled the mother's eyes. She explained to me that they had recently experienced hard times and all the two young boys wanted was to ride the train. "The tickets are just so expensive and I didn't know how we'd get them both inside." My heart sank into my stomach as her husband told her, "That'll be enough for you and the kids to go. I'll wait out here." This wasn't me! I was just a messenger! This was all GOD! He's the worker of all things! I just pray I was a small light to this young family. Talk about Christmas miracles, y'all.

Snow Mountain Christmas Village
@ Stone Mountain, Georgia
12.29.14

So, with the words of my favorite Christmas song, Merry Christmas from Dixie to everyone tonight!

From my family to yours,
Merry Christmas Y'all!
V

Victoria White, MSN

12.13.14.

Graduation Day!!

Today I graduate from an accelerated master-level nursing program. I began the program in August 2013, a short three months after graduating from the University of Georgia. At that time, I felt prepared to complete the program and confident in my ability to do well. Sixteen months later, I have no idea what I was thinking.

The program was intense and while I knew it was accelerated, I never dreamed it would be as tough as it turned out. The first semester, while we had a lot of down time, was hard because new skills and knowledge was being thrown at you to learn quickly and perfectly. Second semester brought more clinical hours, no free time, several group projects, and applying knowledge with judgement. Third semester was equivalent to the second, except our time was cut in half; this only meant we were busier. The last semester left me feeling confident, but only as a result of spending every waking hour in the hospital. These are the negatives!!

While hard, the program also brought lots of positive outcomes! I have made so many friends through this program - friends I otherwise wouldn't have even met. I've learned so much. I feel prepared to pass NCLEX and confident to safely treat patients. The tough curriculum has given me a sense of accomplishment. To sound totally privileged, this is the first program I've had to work hard to finish. Other courses just required you to do the minimum and complete tasks, but I had to work in this program. More than just course work, I had to treat people and learn those skills as well. It was tough, I won't lie. But I wouldn't have asked for it any other way.

Upon graduation, I feel clinically confident and prepared to take the next step in life and my career. I am proud to announce that I've accepted a position at Emory Healthcare on the same ICU I completed my practicum. I'm so thrilled and excited to see where this journey will lead!

Graduation day just wouldn't be complete without pictures, right?

Peace and Love,

V

Nursing Student in the ICU - Month Three

Senior Practicum ended for this nursing student on 11.23.14 - that is 3 months and 400 clinical hours since the first day I stepped onto my unit. 

In my last month of practicum, lessons learned included:

1. Bring your lunch! Seriously folks, on the morning of that third twelve-hour shift when you can't seem to hop out of bed, MAKE YOUR LUNCH! You will starve! True story!
2. Experienced nurses are amazing! The older they are, the lazier they are, which means you get to practice lots of skills. Become their friend!
3. The urethra is never where you think it should be! Like ever! Don't feel like an idiot, experienced nurses miss it too (my preceptor did!). 
4. As tired as you are, go above and beyond while you're at clinical - the boss is always watching.
5. JCo people are scary. They don't mean to be, but imagine 12 of your strictest instructors watching your every move - scary man!
6. When you have questions, ask!
7. Trust your instincts. You know what you're doing most of the time. And if not, refer to #6. 
8. Listen to your patients ..not their family. 
9. Delegation is key to time management. You can't do everything, remember that!

As I wrapped up my practicum hours, I find it absolutely insane how much more confident I feel, how much I've learned, and how much I've grown in the past three months. I started out as a student with minimal skills and lots of anxiety and I'm finishing as a soon-to-be graduate with skills and clinical confidence. I fell in love with critical care this semester and could not have asked for a better placement. My unit, preceptors, and patients have truly made this semester unforgettable. 

BlueBirds, GRU CNL Students, Class of 2014, Emory Cohort.

Peace and Love,

V

Nursing Student in the ICU - Month Two

Two months down ... only 50 days until graduation!!!

Since I always keep my promises, here is what I've learned in the last month ..

1. Restraints break! This may sound elementary, but I didn't know this was possible until a week ago. 
2. Patients are strong! They are stronger than you. You can get hurt. Protect yourself. Also, refer to number one - patients can break restraints.
3. Burnout and nurse fatigue are serious and real things y'all. Spend a couple weeks working overtime and/or getting out everyday an hour late while have 3-4 ICU patients - it's hard work and it's exhausting. 
4. Be sure to take time for yourself and do "normal" things. Watch a movie. Spend time with a friend. Read a book. Have lunch with your mom. Go to a football game. Take a hike. Go to church. Kiss a boy (or a girl, whichever). Shoot guns with your dad. (disclaimer ..this is probably a super redneck, hillbilly thing to do! Also, my pops and I actually haven't made it out there yet, but it's on the agenda.)
5. Clinical and school do not go together - you will be stressed. Breathe, everything will work out. 
6. Don't place all your hopes on one hospital. Keep your options open. Explore. Apply everywhere. You'll end up where you're suppose to.
7. Not everyone will understand that you "work". They will still expect you to have the same free-time as a student. This is not true! You have no free time anymore because all down-time is spent at the hospital. They'll understand soon.
8. Sedative medications are sent directly from heaven! Seriously, though.

The past month has been relatively tedious. I love my unit but like most other places, we are short staffed. This means that the floor is usually crazy, everyone is burnt out, and no day is smooth. I'm exhausted all the time and can't seem to catch a break. The days keep piling up, the homework piles, the projects and assignments are so super high. I have no doubt that these things will get done, but I'm tired and can't seem to stay well (yay allergies and fall bugs!). 

I'll update again soon my loves!

Peace and Love,

V

How "How I Met Your Mother" Ruined My Day

My name is Victoria and I'm a masochist. The saddest part - I never intend to bum myself out, but here I am in an incredibly bad mood. 

Why? Because of How I Met Your Mother, that's why! 

Now, everything is upsetting me. My cluttered house. The stack of homework I have yet to start. The numerous hours I still have to clock this semester. The fact that I have school TWICE this week and my school is an hour away. The fact that one of those days I have a THREE HOUR BREAK!

The anger and frustrations, while present, are only masking my true feelings. Let me start by saying that I'm grateful to be in a place where I can recognize these feelings and realize that I'm lashing out. Believe me, it use to not be this way. What are these hidden and secretive feelings? They're not so secretive. I feel alone. I feel left out. I feel isolated. I feel no one cares. I feel no matter how hard I try, I'm never going to be anyone's priority. I feel I'm losing my family. I feel my friends are walking away. 

I feel ...exhausted.

The day started incredibly uneasy. My weekend was filled with fun, cuddles, and loads of downtime with my current (a post for another day). Today, however, started with me being bailed on, me being left out, and me spending the whole day alone. In true fashion, I proceeded to watch TV all day instead of being productive. Netflix has recently released the last season of How I Met Your Mother and I've been so anxiously waiting to find out how Ted and Tracy meet!

Anyhow, I'm minding my own business, camped out in the living and scarfing down Chinese food when THIS happens!

Tracy is at a bar and this guy, Louis, buys her a drink and proceeds to ask her out. The dialogue is as follows:

Louis: "So, do you want to get dinner sometime?"

Tracy: "Louis, you're really nice, but I was in love with somebody a long time ago and he died."

Louis: "Oh, I'm sorry"

Tracy: "No, I'm sorry. It's silly, but it's like the first lottery ticket I ever bought was kaboom, jackpot, and I'm pretty sure I'm not going to win again, not like that anyway. So I don't generally buy lottery tickets anymore."

This is exactly how I feel and I'm almost positive this is the reason I'm so reserved in my current relationship. Actually, I'm pretty positive this feeling is the reason behind most things I do. 

For example, my current and I have had many downs! He's not perfect, nor have I ever claimed him to be. Please note that I'm not excusing previous behavior, but we're working through things and we'd appreciate support. We fight .. a lot! We think completely differently. We have completely different aspirations and completely different plans for the future. But he loves me! The closer I feel he gets, the more fights I pick and the faster I run. Why? Because I already won the lottery so obviously I'm just going to get hurt, right? I'm one of those old-fashioned, you-only-get-one kinda thinkers. I already had my one. There shouldn't be any more, right?

That's my thought! I don't know if Corey is right for me and if we're destined to be together, but how am I ever going to find out if I keep holding on to someone who isn't here? I'm not! Even with this realization, I can't seem to let Danny go. He's such a vital part of who I am and the person I want to be.

How do you let that go? How does one live life without that part of you? How does one give herself completely to another when part of her has died?

I don't know the answers to these questions. Nor do I know if a future relationship can be had with these questions unanswered. Then again, I always felt that when the right person came along ..things with him and I and Danny's memory would just work out.

I'm thoroughly upset though and thoroughly confused. My heart aches ..for comfort, closeness, closure, and peace. 

 Peace and Love, 

V

Mornin' Y'al!

Morning y'all! 

Happy Tuesday!

I can't begin to explain the joy and peace I woke up with this morning. Why am I so overwhelmed with happiness? It's the middle of the semester, I have a million and one things to accomplish today, and my love life is on the rocks.

So.

Why?

Because today is a simply beautiful day. I WOKE UP! I'm able to walk and talk and breathe on my own. The morning is gorgeous. The air is crisp and cool. The sun is breaking through the dark, night sky. I have food in my fridge and coffee on the counter.

I am BLESSED beyond measure!

Is everything perfect? Absolutely not.

Is everything going my way? Definitely not.

I'm alive though! I have the capability and opportunity to live. Do you know how many people are denied that opportunity? How many people are waking up today without the ability to breathe on their own, to speak, to move their own bodies? Millions!

I'm blessed with the ability to live life! So why shouldn't I be happy? Why shouldn't I get up at 6am to freeze on the patio and contemplate how great life is?

Today's a great day. We're all blessed to have it. So live it. Love it. Today will never come again!

Peace and Love

V

"Meal Prep Monday" ...went a smidge awry

Monday - The first day of the week. The day to plunge into the weekly task list.

Fortunately for me, I generally don't work Monday, which is absolutely amazing since it allows me adequate time to rest after the busy weekend, get a jump start on weekly assignments, and most of all meal prep!

Disclaimer: I use to be really, really, really into health. As in, I counted calories like it was my job, ensured I had well-balanced meals, etc. Then. Danny died. I know I go back to that marker in my life a lot, but that's when things changed. Anyhow, as of lately, my diet has consisted of take-out and fast food and it is taking me entirely too long to get back into a semi-healthy lifestyle. But never fear, I'm not the type to give up without a fight.

This weekend has been exceptionally "fall-like"; cooler weather, wind blowing, etc. This always throws me in the mood for southern comfort food. I've taken that concept and ran ...maybe a little too far. Then again, how wrong is pumpkin and chili? And if that's wrong, I don't think I wanna be right!

First on the list: PUMPKIN SPICE COFFEE CREAMER! I know this isn't really a "meal prep" item, but hello! PUMPKIN SPICE! It literally turns coffee into heaven. I swear, y'all. And at only 15 calories a pop, I'll take it!

Next, bring on the homemade apple butter. Don't dock me for the lack of "progress" pictures, I was in a hurry. It is delicious, though! Seriously, y'all. Swipe a tad on cinnamon raisin bagel thins and BAM! Go here to find the recipe.

Peanut Butter Dip - this can make the angels sing! Apples are in season so they already taste amazing. Add this to those apple slices and here you have a delicious 150 calorie snack. Now the whole wide world is jealous of you! Recipe

PUMPKIN SCONES! Amazing. Point. Blank. Period. Find the recipe here!

Finally, lets wrap up the weekly goodies with chicken chili and cornbread! Recipe

Now that meals and snacks are prepped and stored away, bring on the week! The headache that is nursing school. And the amazing satisfaction of caring for people who need my help!

Peace and Love

V