Christmas Without You - Take One

Christmastime. Its defined by many as the most magical time of the year. I too believed in the magical power of this time of year - the time when its cold and the best place in the world is next to the fireplace, the time when people cared more about others than themselves, the time when things just seemed to go your way, the time when everything was just perfect! I was all set this year to go about Christmas this year with my family and in constant prayer for my deployed soldier. However, this year I suppose things'll go a little bit differently. Who am I trying to fool?! Things are going to be completely different. This is the first Christmas that I'll be "widowed" and the first Christmas where I'll have to sit among my entire family and know that the one person I love more than anything in this world will not call me - cannot call me, there is absolutely no chance. Christmas during a deployment is tough, but it's manageable. Even if he can't call on Christmas day, you might be able to hear from him the day before, the day after, a week or two after - but you always have that hope that he'll call, he'll email. The point is, even during a deployment, we, as military spouses, hold onto hope and that hope is what gets us through the darkest days. But what happens when all hope is gone, shattered like an ornament falling from the top of the tree?! Well, I suppose you get a Christmas and a Christmas spirit similar to mine.

Christmas will never, ever be the same. It will never have that same magic and every year I'll be reminded of what my life should have been like - my handsome husband, children, the huge tree, presents, breakfast Christmas morning, everything! Now of course, I can still have the tree and the decorations and the presents, but I'm never going to be able to wake up to Danny on Christmas morning, I'm never going to see our kids open presents Christmas morning.

This year, however, I did decorate this little place I call home. But for the record, for that lovely guardian angel I have watching over me, I only did this for you! If I had it my way, December 25, 2012 and all the other December 25ths in the future would be just another day - just another day with you! But I made a promise and I don't break promises! I promised him "to continue to live, even when your gone". Now, I made this promise thinking I'd struggle to live day to day without him by my side until this deployment was over, until we were married. This promise takes a whole new meaning today though. This one promise is the sole reason I get out of bed everyday and lets be honest, probably the reason I haven't attempted to take my own life (because between me and all of you, I've thought about it!).

So in honor and in loving memory of my guardian angel, Merry Christmas! This Christmas I ask all of you to take a few moments and remember all the fallen heros and those service members who are not able to be with their families for the holidays. Freedom isn't free and this Christmas we should all be thankful for those who paid the ultimate sacrifice.

Until Next Time - stay safe, stay strong, keep your head up and keep pressing on

-V-