Christmas Without You - Take One

Christmastime. Its defined by many as the most magical time of the year. I too believed in the magical power of this time of year - the time when its cold and the best place in the world is next to the fireplace, the time when people cared more about others than themselves, the time when things just seemed to go your way, the time when everything was just perfect! I was all set this year to go about Christmas this year with my family and in constant prayer for my deployed soldier. However, this year I suppose things'll go a little bit differently. Who am I trying to fool?! Things are going to be completely different. This is the first Christmas that I'll be "widowed" and the first Christmas where I'll have to sit among my entire family and know that the one person I love more than anything in this world will not call me - cannot call me, there is absolutely no chance. Christmas during a deployment is tough, but it's manageable. Even if he can't call on Christmas day, you might be able to hear from him the day before, the day after, a week or two after - but you always have that hope that he'll call, he'll email. The point is, even during a deployment, we, as military spouses, hold onto hope and that hope is what gets us through the darkest days. But what happens when all hope is gone, shattered like an ornament falling from the top of the tree?! Well, I suppose you get a Christmas and a Christmas spirit similar to mine.

Christmas will never, ever be the same. It will never have that same magic and every year I'll be reminded of what my life should have been like - my handsome husband, children, the huge tree, presents, breakfast Christmas morning, everything! Now of course, I can still have the tree and the decorations and the presents, but I'm never going to be able to wake up to Danny on Christmas morning, I'm never going to see our kids open presents Christmas morning.

This year, however, I did decorate this little place I call home. But for the record, for that lovely guardian angel I have watching over me, I only did this for you! If I had it my way, December 25, 2012 and all the other December 25ths in the future would be just another day - just another day with you! But I made a promise and I don't break promises! I promised him "to continue to live, even when your gone". Now, I made this promise thinking I'd struggle to live day to day without him by my side until this deployment was over, until we were married. This promise takes a whole new meaning today though. This one promise is the sole reason I get out of bed everyday and lets be honest, probably the reason I haven't attempted to take my own life (because between me and all of you, I've thought about it!).

So in honor and in loving memory of my guardian angel, Merry Christmas! This Christmas I ask all of you to take a few moments and remember all the fallen heros and those service members who are not able to be with their families for the holidays. Freedom isn't free and this Christmas we should all be thankful for those who paid the ultimate sacrifice.

Until Next Time - stay safe, stay strong, keep your head up and keep pressing on

-V-

Gloomy, Gloomsville - Population One

The past couple weeks, well ever since I heard about the attack, my whole entire life has been turned completely upside down. Like literally, it a battle everyday to even get out of bed. I feel like there is a huge hole in my chest where my heart should be. That heart that I once had, the heart of hope and faith and trust and love is no longer there. It was ripped out the moment Danny died. And it hurts - like a physical pain. I've had bad relationships before and I've endured my fair share of break ups, but this is different. We didn't break-up. We didn't drift apart or even grow apart. We wanted to be together. We planned our lives together. We were meant and destined to be together. He was taken from me way to soon! We weren't even given the chance to fail. I feel even if we'd broken up later down the road, or even now, it wouldn't hurt this bad. Now, I feel I've been cheated the chance at a family, at a marriage. I feel like my whole world has been ripped away from me. I don't know how to live anymore. I merely run on auto-pilot day in and day out. I don't feel anything anymore. I don't want to be around anyone anymore. Its almost like if I stop living then he'll come back and none of this will have ever happened. I almost feel that if I stop moving forward then it'll be like nothing has changed - he's still deployed and will be home..eventually. I know how crazy this must all sound and some of you are probably already dialing the nearest psychiatric hospital to put me in, but its honestly how I feel. Its hard getting up every morning, going to school, going to church...living...knowing that everything is completely different now. It's hard going on about my life knowing that I don't have much of a life anymore or any one to share that life with anymore. I've said it before, but I'll say it again, its not fair.

I feel sad - all the time. Its like I don't know how to be happy anymore. I catch myself laughing or smiling at something someone has said or done, but that temporary feeling and action fades within a few seconds and I'm right back to my constant emotions - sadness, depression, grief, heart ache. Even the world seems to feel this way! Since Danny passed, the weather around this apartment has been extremely moody and gloomtastic. There has been this constant over-shadow sky, rain, wind, etc. Its as if God is sad too; as if He is mourning the loss of another soul taken too soon, cheated out of a future as such a young age. So maybe, Gloomy, Gloomsville has a population of two!

and now it's my turn

It has been a hard week to say the least. Between grieving, finals, and roommate drama, the fact I'm still alive and/or not in jail is nothing shy of a miracle. Seriously though. I'm usually not the type of person that wallows in self pity or allows emotions to completely overwhelm me. This week, however, I was completely consumed - with sadness, with anger, with frustration. I'm fortunate in the sense that I have many friends, both military and non, that are concerned with my overall well-being and have frequently checked in on me. It seems to be the general consensus that I'm allowed to feel this way, I'm entitled to have these emotions, and it's okay to have these feelings consume me in this moment of my life. But this isn't me. Without Danny here, I feel lost. I feel like I have no reason to live, no reason to finish school, no reason to go on.

However, throughout these conversations, I've also heard the line "you have to live for the both of you now" and "in everything you do, honor him, make him proud, don't let his sacrifice be wasted". And since I've practically lived in my bed this week, I've had lots of time to think about this, what this means, and what I can do. I've come to the conclusion that the best way to honor his memory is to continue his fight, his duty. But how do I do that?! I'm not a soldier. I do not have the passion it takes to even become a soldier. That was always his passion. Through my love for him and my love for this country, I have developed a passion for supporting our troops. During both of Danny's deployments and while he was "home", I loved sending morale to him, his best friends, and the rest of his troop. It was my thing.

So now, I'm an official volunteer doing whatever is needed to help military members stay strong and come back to their families. A lot of my friends have begun volunteering through Homefront Hugs and Soldiers' Angels, so I figured I'd give it a whirl. I've got to keep going and I've got to stay strong. Danny dedicated his whole life to this fight - now it's my turn!

maybe i do believe in those mysterious ways

I was raised in a very old-fashioned, Southern family which means that I was also raised in an old-fashioned, Baptist church. I love my church - the Spirit, the people, all of it. But I believe that church and going to church is a lot different than your relationship with Christ. Anyone can go to church. A lot of people actually do go to church. But having a relationship with God - that's a completely different thing. I won't lie, my personal relationship with him hasn't always been perfect and it still isn't. I have this really bad tendency to blame God when things go badly. I question His will and I get angry when things don't go like they should. When I heard the news of the accident and then Danny's final fate, I was mad. I was angry. I lashed out! I remember the exact thought - "I'm never going back to church. God hates me! Why should I go and be faithful when He took the one person..the only person..I wanted to spend forever with, the one man that I cannot live without." I'm embarrassed to have had this thought, but it is the truth.

I skipped Wednesday night service and was awake in plenty of time Sunday morning to get ready, but did not go. I literally just laid in bed. Then, my mom took me to lunch - I'm not sure why she thinks its such a great idea to drag me around!! I found out that my little brother, who had just confessed his calling to preach, was preaching for the very first time. That's my little brother. My life. We're like best friends. I needed to be there! So I went...only to support Jonathan and no other reason. I avoided person after person - I hate the pity stares and sympathy hugs! But I walk through the doors and the tears begin to pour...again. It was almost as if God was telling me that He was still here for me! Telling me that He was there regardless of how I felt. Telling me that He was giving me time to grieve.

At the end of the day, I know that Danny trusted God with everything and probably didn't question this end when it was coming. But it still hurts - not for him of course. I know where he is, he's not hurting and he's probably looking down at me begging me not to grieve for him. I just can't help it though! I guess its all a part of the process...I just never wanted to have to go through the process. We were suppose to have 100+ years together!! But here I am just wishing for one more day, one more hug, one more kiss, one more conversation. Its only been a few days, but I swear it just keeps sinking in harder and harder and it keeps becoming more real and more real and these days have felt like centuries. :'(

the author of your own life ... really now?!

For the past week or so, my philosophy class has been discussing "Existentialism is a Humanism" by Jean-Paul Sartre. As I listen to the lectures, the idea that you are the author of your own life became a pretty apparent concept throughout the text. When we first started to discuss this text, I was totally on board with this idea. I truly believed that we were in control of our own lives and the choices we make define and shape who we are and the type of people we become. When I was in middle school, my best friend Kelly passed away and I had a super rough time dealing with it. I felt that I could've done something - should have done something - to save her. But even with her passing, I still believed that I had control. She was my best friend and I miss her like crazy, but I still had control over my life. The person I chose to marry, the amount of children I wanted to have, when I chose to have those kids, where I chose to marry - these and many more are things I had control over.

I don't feel this way anymore. I chose a person! He was my person, my best friend, the love of my life. We had planned everything and everything I wanted, he wanted too. We wanted children - lots of children! We wanted children within a year or so of our wedding. I wanted to be a nurse and he wanted to be a soldier. We decided that we'd live our lives together and we'd live wherever the army sent us. We were happy and we'd spend the rest of our lives happy. This was the book I wrote! The book WE wrote! And I loved every chapter of it. 

Within one phone call, the whole world stopped spinning and my co-author was taken from me. Literally ripped out of my life. Its not fair. I feel lost and alone. He left me here...alone. I feel like I need my best friend - both of them - to talk to but neither of them are here. How is this fair at all?! How is this my life?! I don't feel in control anymore. The book that I wanted to write, the book I wrote already, is no longer possible for my life. So how can I be the author of my own life?! I can't.

One phone call was all it took to change my life, to destroy my whole world, to kill every hope, every dream I ever had. One phone call and every opinion and thought that I had was changed. One accident, one attack ..and everything ended.

Dear God ...

I believe that prayers are meant to be personal - between you and God. But today, I feel as if my prayers just aren't getting through, my heart isn't being comforted and I'm not seeing that pretty light at the end anymore. I know God isn't meant to give us everything we want and that sometimes what we want doesn't line up with His plan and His will. I'm not really sure how much I'm allowed to say, probably not a lot, but I got a call today and basically there's been some activity with Danny's troop and he's currently suffering severe internal injuries. I don't know the extent of his injuries or anything else really. My whole world feels like its ending but at the same time, it feels like it isn't real. :'(

Dear God, 
I know we haven't been on the best terms lately. I've done some things I shouldn't have and I've said somethings I know I shouldn't have. I haven't behaved like I'm one of yours lately and for that I'm truly sorry. I know I should be doing better - striving to live my life for you. But if you could please let me keep him .. i don't even know. I know better than to bargain with you and my track record for keeping promises isn't great .. but please, please, please. Don't take him! I'm not ready! But God, if he's in pain - like pain no medicines can cure and no doctor can help - please let him know that I'm with him. Forever and for always! And You please be there with him and comfort him like I know You can. And please please please, if You do decide to take him before I can speak to him, please let him know that I love him - that I'll always love him and that I'm so sorry I'm not there to hold his hand through all this. And if You do decide to take him, please do it before the pain is too bad. I don't want him to suffer. He's a good man! The best that I know!
Amen.

Operation Merry Christmas

Christmastime, like many other holidays and special times throughout the year, is extremely difficult with a loved one who is deployed. Whether that is a husband or wife, a boyfriend or girlfriend, a fiance, a brother, sister, mom, dad, it doesn't matter! It's the same pain, the same longing, the same desire for them to be home with you during this time! I think Christmas is the hardest for me just because I love it so much! I love the festivities, the parades, the parties, the decorations, the gift-giving, the food - literally, everything! even the smell! It absolutely kills my soul when he cannot be here and my heart breaks a little more when I think that he's going to be spending Christmas alone (well, not technically alone, but not with his family and friends and you know...me! lol) and in that stupid sandbox!

So...being the most amazing girlfriend in whole entire world, Christmas is being sent to Afghanistan! WooHoo! Cause if he can't come to me this year, I'm gonna make sure I get to him! Even if its just through a ridiculous cheesy, Christmas-tacular care package! And that's exactly what he got this year! (:

Included:

• Christmas Tree
• Decorations (because decorating the tree is the best part!)
• red balls
• green balls
• gold tinsel
• gold star
• Candle 
• Battery operated of course! (No Lithium batteries though!)
• In memory of his mama! (He always does a candle light for her and his friends who have passed on Christmas Eve. This way he has a way to do this all the way over there.)
• Stocking (filled with candy!)
• Snacks
• Beef Jerky
• Almonds
• Granola
• Hot Chocolate Packs
• Candy Canes
• TicTacs
• Candy (it's winter now so chocolate is a-okayy!)
• KitKat
• M&Ms
• Milky Way
• Twix
• Cards/Letters
• From me and my lovely bestfriend! (:

I'm not sure how much is known about custom forms, but ever since Danny deployed the first time, I've always been told that in the box telling what to do with the box if it is lost or can't be delivered that you ask for it to be redirected to the chaplain. No big deal right?! Well, I go to the post office today and the clerk is checking everything..blah, blah, blah.. but then she goes: "Girl who told you to redirect it to the chaplain! You're so smart. Most people don't know that...blah blah blah". Literally, the lady went on for a good minute about it! It was definitely the highlight of my day! I may just be an army girlfriend or fiance - but I apparently know more about this lifestyle and the workings of the system than most others! And that puts a smile on this girl's face! (:

Pictures! Pictures!

Operation Merry Christmas

Finally Got It All Tucked Away 

Letter Writing! (:

(please ignore my messy table!)

Mandi's letter! Can I please point out where she say I'm mean?!?!

Custom Forms! They are the worse things on Earth!

Letters on top! (: 

Hi.Ho. Hi.Ho. To the post office we go! (:

Until Next Time - stay safe, stay strong, keep your head up and keep pressing on

-V-

Veteran's Day 2012

Veteran's Day is a special day for everyone - a day to honor our veterans, every man and woman who has served our country. As such, this day also holds a special place in the heart of all military men and women and their families who support them in everything they do.

I do not view active duty or reservist or any military personnel who is currently serving as a veteran. I know that sounds really weird as most of the military friends I've made view their "currently serving" boyfriend or husband as a veteran. But, to me, they aren't veterans - at least not yet. A veteran, the way I look at it, are the service men and women who have served our country and are either retired or have been discharged or for whatever reason are no longer a member of the military. These are the people that should be honored on this day - you know, for everything they did for our country.

I don't proclaim this lightly though because many of the military men and women STILL serving our country have done amazing things and they should be honored as well. I just don't think Veteran's Day is the day to do that because as I already said, they aren't veterans yet.

However, with all of that being said, I still celebrate and honor my own, personal soldier on this day. He, like many other military men and women, has served our country to the best of his ability and I have no doubt that he will continue to do amazing things throughout his service. And whether he chooses to get out of the army when his contract is up or continue to make a life within the army, I will support him and stand by him.

This Veteran's Day though, Danny and I spent the day apart...again. This whole separation thing is becoming way to routine for my liking! Anyway, Veteran's Day with a deployed boyfriend is really tough. I hate when people thank me for his service - and that's what happened. I am not serving. I have not served. I am not a soldier. So why am I being thanked for everything that he's done?! No. Thank him! Ask for his email! Tell me to thank him! You could even thank me for putting up with the army shindigs or for putting up with a deployment (like the worry, loneliness, distance, etc). But do not thank me for HIS service because I didn't do anything. Another thing I hate about this day when D's away is the mere face that everyone wants to talk about him. I do a fairly amazing job at not thinking about Danny when I'm around other people and I do a fairly decent job at hiding my fear for him and the jobs he is doing overseas. Therefore, when you feel the need to pat me on the back as if you feel sorry for me - I lose it! (yes! this actually happened - and in church at that. seriously lady?!) And in the process you've pissed me off because I do not need anyone to feel sorry for me! At the end of the day, I knew what I was signing up for and I knew the pressures that comes along with the army life. So just don't do it! Like at all! Then again these are the thinks that piss me off everyday, not just on Veteran's Day. Veteran's Day just seems to amplify the amount of times it happens within any given day! I was not a happy camper!

But on a brighter note - and I know it's late, forgive me?

Happy Veteran's Day! (:

Until Next Time - stay safe, stay strong, keep your head up and keep pressing on

-V-

For All My Writers Out There (:

Apparently, November is considered National Novel Writing Month. How did I not know about this for 21 years?! I love writing. I love the concept of being able to write something that is new and exciting or something that portrays all your wants, wishes, and desires. Come on now, doesn't that sound like fun?! I think so!

Any.how. There is this wonderful website I've been told about so I figured I'd share with all of you. You know, so everyone else can procrastinate on all those papers you should be writing, the test you should be studying for, the homework you should be doing, the house you should be cleaning, the food you should be cooking, the children you should be tending too :P The website is -duhduhduh- www.nanowrimo.org and I'm finding it awesomely exciting. Just go to the site, create a profile and start writing. A novel is defined as 50,000 words and you're suppose to write it all between November 1st and November 30th. It sounds tedious I know, and to be honest, I'm not even sure I'll be able to finish it all but how fun does it sound!

I encourage all of you to sign up and get those creative juices flowing. You all can do it! Of this I am certain. Don't stress, just write! It's only a month right?! DO IT! (:

Until Next Time - stay safe, stay strong, keep your head up and keep pressing on

-V-

Letter Writing 101

As a military girlfriend, I send lots and lots of letters! I have lovely MilSOs that I write to and of course I'm always sending some kind of snail mail to that boy of mine! Writing letters and cards take a lot of time and effort but I think that's the thing that makes getting a handwritten letter in the mail so rewarding - that and of course the fact that someone was thinking of you! Seriously, who checks the mail and doesn't act like a kid at Christmas when they get a letter?! Umm - no one!

I was talking to my friend the other day and she was telling me about her boyfriend (who is in prison) and how that now he's been transferred to a new location they are writing letters to one another. Okay, he's in jail and can't talk too often, I get it! But this girl didn't know how to even label the envelope - her mom showed her! lmao. Seriously?! Didn't we learn this is elementary school?! lol. I love her though - she's so funny!! I just like giving her a hard time! :P

While we're on this topic, I figured I'd give the low-down on letter writing!

1. Always mention the funny things that have happened to you since the last time you wrote or spoke! Yes, you may have the opportunity to tell him over the phone or skype before he gets the letter, but that just means that when he rereads the story he'll think about that conversation the two of you had - your voice, your tone, and he'll hear your voice in his head when he reads it! ♥
2. Put some really cute lyrics or quotes in there - just to make it really cutsy! You don't get to see each other for months at a time so you've got to let him know you're still in this relationship!
3. Cutsy pictures and drawings/doodles are also very good! It makes him feel loved - that he was worth the effort.
4. Always decorate the envelope too! Put stickers on the envelope flap and write cute stuff on the back! (:
5. His address goes in the middle; yours in the upper left hand corner! I didn't think this needed to be specified but I suppose it does! lol.
6. Don't forget the stamp (top right corner) !! I'm cheap so I just use the regular ones. But you can get really cute ones if you want AND if you're really into it, you can customize them too with whatever you want on them! There are some really cute ones in zazzle.com.

Happy Writing! (: Make sure to tell your loves hello from me! ♥

Until Next Time - stay safe, stay strong, keep your head up and keep pressing on

-V-

Spooktacular Pictures - as promised (:

As promised, here are the wonderful pictures of last weekend!

The sign at Check-In

Friday! setting everything up, laying around, hiking around the lake, you know - living the life ♥

I make my little brother do all the work :P what are big sisters for?!

The View

Laying on the Dock

Hiking/Checking out the Place: 

Jonathan thinks I need protection! Really now?! lol

Seriously?! Do cars go this slow?!

On Deer Hill (:

He thinks he's sooo cool!

Sitting on the side of the road - you know, waiting on a deer! we shoulda been drinkin beer and wastin bullets! lol - Luke Bryan logic

A new dock = impromptu photo shoot (: ♥ only me and my JDub ♥

Jonathan wasn't as into it as I was! It must be a boy thing - Danny is the same way!

Saturday: watched the boys build a catapult, flag retirement ceremony

For the Pumpkin' Chunkin':

Team Work (:

That boy on the far right - his name is Ryan and he's 16 years old. He reminds me sooo much of Danny. The way he talks, the way he acts - literally everything! I really hope he earns Eagle Scout like D did! ♥

The Crew Taking Down the Flag:

Flag Retirement:

Yes! He asked, she said yes! ♥ I was already emotional, and this topped the cake! While I do feel like there was probably a better time, but whatev - to each his own!

The Ceremony:

Randoms:

We even keep the bugs away patriotically!

Me and Snick trying to stay warm! We're missing #3 of our trio!

Two of my main men! ♥ Jonathan and my Daddy ♥

Until Next Time - stay safe, stay strong, keep your head up and keep pressing on

-V-

Spooktacular Weekend ... With the Scouts of Course !

Where have I been this weekend?! Only camping with the best little brother and daddy in the whole wide world! This weekend the Cub Scouts always go camping and the Boy Scouts go and help keep everything running well! This is the first weekend I've gotten to go with them, or was invited to go with them - which is weird because well, I love camping! Anyway, I have very mixed emotions about the happenings of this weekend. I mean it is the scouts so there was a lot of military people (and veterans) there and a lot of militant-type events that went down! It was actually a little much considering the week I had just had, but hearing from Danny did make it a little bit more bearable than I'm sure it would have been!

First things first, we get to the camp and start setting up everything - you know the tent, the chairs, all our clothes, yada yada yada. Me being the spoiled daddy's girl that I am, literally sat on the picnic table at our campsite and watched Jonathan rake the rocks and acorns out, Jonathan and my dad drag out the tent, and the two of them unpack the truck! I did help Jonathan put up the tent .. AND .. unpacked all the stuff inside the tent and set up the pallets for us all to sleep in! I'm not kidding, it looked like the redneck Holiday Inn! (: But then what do you do for the rest of the day?! Well, on a normal family trip, we'd go fishing or hiking or do something together, but since Jonathan had to do this, that, and the other with scouts we just stayed around the campsite. So, I proceeded to lay on the dock (and get more sun than I've gotten all summer mind you!), read a little, write a little, find some nature trails..you know the works! It was fun, it was relaxing, but to be real - made me miss Danny a whole hell of a lot! That much "me-time" had my mind racing! Nighttime was by far the worse part because A) it was freezing! and B) the one person who I want to warm me up is halfway around the world! Not that my dad would've let Danny stay in our tent, more less sleep with me - but one can dream right?! And for the record, super cold and deployment insomnia DO NOT MIX WELL! I literally didn't fall asleep until after midnight (not too bad for a night at home, but hella late for camping trips) and woke up before 4am!! To say I didn't sleep well would be an understatement!

I had big plans of getting up early Saturday to watch the sunrise and the scouts raise the flag, but it was just so dang cold I didn't move for a good LONG minute. I probably spent an hour staring at the ant crawling on the outside of the tent! When I did get up though, I got straight to work! Mr. Stacey was cooking breakfast (a mountain man - which is like sausage, eggs, cheese, with a biscuit baked on top) I put cinamon buns in the "oven" and started chopping onions and peppers and mushrooms and tomatoes in prep for the fajitas we were having for supper! Then, me and Ms. Kim stuffed Halloween bags and then we made brownies for the Pack Lunch. Then I turned into a complete boy working on the catapult for the pumpkin chunkin. It was actually really fun, even though we didn't have enough weight to chunk the bowling balls. But the boys seem to have a blast!

Saturday was also filled with a lot of militant type events. Not really, but it was really organized and patriotic and I thought of no one other than Danny throughout it all! They had a ceremony to lower the flag and then had a ceremony after dark to retire flags! I literally cried through the later because they spoke about all the men and women who died in battle and then started listing out the all the battles we've fought in - a girl can't hold it in forever! I was literally in a funk the rest of the night! Paula (her husband is a contractor in Afghanistan right now) started random conversations with me about Danny and his (our?!) plans after he gets home! This might sound a little weird, but I don't actually like bringing Danny up when he's deployed - just because it makes me really sad and I start thinking about where he is! Its really difficult for me so I just keep it all to myself! BUT .. if you ask about him and get me talking about him, I can chat your ear off about what an amazing man he is, and how strong he is, and how perfect I think he is, and about how he's trying to do this and that when he gets home. Once I start talking, I can't stop and while I'm talking about him I'm a bit calmer! It's the after effect that kills me! lol.

I didn't stay Saturday night because I needed to be at church Sunday but more importantly because it was suppose to be COLDER! Georgia weather is seriously messed up! Like it is only October, it should not feel like its winter already!! 

Funny stories and pictures will come soon!! I promise! (:

Until Next Time - stay safe, stay strong, keep your head up and keep pressing on

-V-

No. Fun.

I am 21 years old. That is all. There is absolutely no reason I should feel this old; this worn out; this burnt out on life. Everything has been getting to me lately. Danny being deployed. My family's health issues. My own health issues - and the fact that no one on the face of the planet can tell me what's wrong with me! School - I'm graduating May 2013 and then what?! What happens if I can't get into nursing school .. or a graduate program. That sets Danny and me back a good few years! Or does it?! And let's be real, all I want at the moment is to get married all ready, be with him as much as I can (even though the Army dictates EVERYTHING!), have a family with him! But the thought of our future together always brings the terrible questions - what if he doesn't come home?! What am I going to do then with no job, no degree to support myself or a potential family?!

Its no fun to always question. Its no fun to worry that nothing will turn out the way you plan! And everyone just says "Stay Strong", "He'll come home", "Just have faith". Well for starters, I think I'm pretty damn strong - just saying, I think I keep myself together pretty dang well considering everything that is going on. But at the end of the day, I can only stay strong for so long. I am only human! I know I joke about being "supergirl" and being able to handle it all, but I can't. No one can! And no one knows if he'll come home. Not him. Not me. Not the army. NO ONE! We all HOPE he's coming home, and we all PRAY he'll come home. But there is absolutely no guarantee of this! And I know that statement probably pissed a few folks off, but its the truth! No one is sure of anything. Its not a guarantee that I'll even wake up in the morning, so how can you promise me he'll be home! YOU CANNOT! Faith - I'm all one for faith. That and trust in God has gotten me through a lot! But times like this, faith doesn't even seem to be enough - but maybe I just need to find a little more!

I know I sound like Ms. Debbie Downer, but I've never had a good feeling about this deployment. Although its our second one, something about this go around has felt different. And to make matters worse, I rarely hear from him - that does not help ladies and gentlemen! I chalked up my apprehensions about this tour as some subconscious anxiety since he was hurt before. And I was really naiive about the last one - like I knew what he was suppose to be doing but I never thought, even for a second, that he would get hurt. Maybe it was because I had a lot of things go down here as he was leaving and left or maybe because I knew Iraq had calmed down a lot - regardless, its a lot harder this go around. I seriously feel like I sent him off to get injured! This my friends, is the worse feeling I could ever have imagined.

until next time - stay safe, stay strong, keep your head up and keep pressing on

-V-

We Chose This - Now How Do We Cope?!

We don't! :/

A lot of the time I find myself blaming the Army for sending him away, for leaving me here alone, for all the stress in my life. But at the end of the day, we BOTH chose this life and we knew what we were getting into.

Danny CHOSE to enlist. That was his decision. No matter what anyone said, would've said, should've said .. he was going to enlist! This is his passion in life and he is pursuing this dream the best he can. And for that I'm so proud of him. It's rather attractive actually. I, however, did not sign the dotted line giving my life to the Army. I did agree to stand by him though when I entered into this relationship. We both knew that he was stationed out of state. We both knew that he could potentially get PCSed somewhere else - maybe even further away! We both knew the dangers associated with his career. We both knew that injuries could happen - and for us it did. We also knew deployments WOULD come. They are just unavoidable. We didn't expect he'd have to deploy twice within such a short amount of time though; it's actually really rare that this happen I hear. But after all, it is the Army..they kinda do what they want.

Regardless, I know I complain a lot about our situation! I hate that he's gone a lot and I hate that now that he's deployed, the weather and the Army and everything else it seems dictate when and how often we're able to talk to each other or even email each other! Its hard! Let's be blunt - he's in a war zone! Everyday he goes into combat and everyday something could happen! That's the reality of his deployment; hell, any deployment! And what am I suppose to do?! Go absolutely crazy worrying?! I've already aced that one! Its hard being left behind and knowing what he's suppose to be doing and then not hearing from him for weeks at a time! Come on now! How are you suppose to stay calm?! Uhh - you're not! I'm a nervous wreck every second of every minute of every hour of every day he's over there!

My mind goes into crazy overdrive with all these "what-ifs". Seriously though! What if he gets hurt again?! What if its more serious this time and gets a medical discharge or is permanently disabled?! How will we handle everything - finances, future children, everything?!?! What if its worse - he doesn't make it home?! What will I do without him?! I've built my whole future on this relationship. I honestly don't know how I'll go on! I pride myself as being an independent girl and I believe this is still true. But I love him so much that if he were to pass, I don't know how I'll survive. What if this deployment affects him like the last one?! We worked through the last one; yes, it got ugly sometimes but we got through it. Will we be that lucky twice?! I absolutely hate these questions. These feelings. They haunt me.

until next time - stay safe, stay strong, keep your head up and keep pressing on

-V-

Halloween Has Been Shipped .. all the way to Afghanistan

Deployments suck. They just do. There is no if, ands, or buts about it! They're ridiculously hard. They stress your relationship, they can drive anyone to drink, and they are notorious for sending a perfectly sane person crazy waiting for a skype date, a phone call, an email ..hell, a postcard. I'm not going to say there is an "upside" to deployment .. because I really can't think of one. Let's be real, he's fighting in a war zone and I'm sitting in my apartment having petty arguments with a roommate and blogging my life away (and this is just the randomness that has been done tonight!). I mean really though, how is this fair?! He should be here!

When he's gone, I do everything possible to make sure he knows how much I care, that I'm still here for him, that I love him, that I'm not going anywhere! I send care-packages galore. I send letters and emails and cards. Literally, I send him the world in a box or envelope. And even though I'm not really girly, I send a lot of girly gifts like Hello Kitty coloring books and pink cookies - you know, just so for that one moment when he opens it, I know he's thinking about me! I mean, I'm pretty positive he thinks about me a lot. We are getting married sooner or later and he calls and emails whenever he can. Its just nice to KNOW know. Ya know?!

Care-packages are seriously the funnest things to make - that is if you can put out of your head for a minute or two that it's going to Afghanistan! I'm pretty much a pro by now at putting his where-abouts in the back of my mind. Any.way. with Halloween right around the corner, what better way to say "Happy Halloween" than a wonderfully decorated care-package. Right?!

What's in it you ask?!

• (2) Halloween boxes with protein bars and cutesy Halloween cups and hot chocolate
• One for him ... One for his friend of course!
• LOTS of Halloween bags. You know, for his friends! (:
• What's in them?!
• Milk Duds - Danny likes them. And even if they melt, they'll melt together. No harm, no fowl.
• M&Ms - the hard shell protects them from melting too much.
• Tootsie Rolls.
• KitKats - yeah, these might melt. But Danny LOVES them! ..oh well. haha.
• Chocolate is a pretty tricky thing to send overseas because it tends to melt. I've always heard the rule that you should only send it between October and March ..but I still worry! :/ 
• Rule of Thumb: just be aware of what you're sending, where its going, etc!
• Cookies! Snickerdoodle of course! Isn't that some kind of fall-like cookie?! I mean it has cinnamon. 
• Danny isn't too big on sweets, but he says when he's overseas, he loves to have something sweet - like a little taste of home. I guess you never miss what's always around you.
• Letters. Letters. and more letters!
• Kissed and sprayed with perfume of course! ;)
• "Care cards" - a card for an emotion he may be feeling and inside each one there is a quote or message or something to make him feel better!
• PICTURES!
• I always send pictures in these boxes. I know its hard being away so I want him to feel like he's still here .. for everything! Because I know he would be if he could!
• Halloween decorations.





• Literally, deployed military men (women too) turn into 12 year old boys! (For his birthday, I sent a Nerf gun..oh dear Lord, the stories I've heard! smh.) I can already picture the pranks that will be pulled with the fake spiders, rats, etc.

Here's the boxes ..

In the making ..

And after .. 

With cards on top ?! of course! (:

*of course I also added captions to most of the pictures! like ..

"Look Uncle! I'm standing now!!"

"This is me, missing you!"

"I love you .. even more than I love Luke"

"Downtown - wish you were here!"

...I think y'all get it! I'm a big sappy, cheeseball! But only when it comes to him! ;)

until next time - stay safe, stay strong, keep your head up and keep pressing on

-V-

Luke! Luke! Luke!

I'm not sure many of you are aware of my deep, way-too-realistic love for Luke Bryan. The man is legitimately the sexiest man I know; aside from Danny of course ..but it's a close race! haha, seriously though! Danny is actually kinda weird about this whole thing .. in his words, "if it ever came down to me and him, you'd probably choose him and I'm not sure I like that" lmao. He has a point though! IT'S LUKE BRYAN! I'm just playing. Danny knows I love him! If two deployments didn't change that, I'm pretty sure Luke won't!

Because of the amazing man he is, Luke does a Farm Tour every year to give super small towns a "big night" or a "big event" to look forward to and from what I've heard, he takes the money and uses it to give scholarships to farmer's kids so they can pay for college. This is just amazing to me. I grew up in a really small town where the biggest thing to happen while I was growing up was the Wal-Mart being built and the bowling alley ..that wasn't even in my town really, but we claim it haha. And as a granddaughter of a farmer and the daughter of parents that struggled, I know how important it is to have a college education. Furthermore, as a college student, I know how expensive it is to better yourself in this manner! It's hard to think about your life, at 21 and graduating in a few months, and think you've accomplished barely anything but a mountain-high pile of debt! It's not a great feeling! So props to Luke for all he is doing!

The Farm Tour strolled into Athens last Thursday night! (: And since my handsome boyfriend is in Afganistan and has some sort of haterazzi thing with my man, I dragged my sister with me!

Even with all the love I have for Luke, I seriously didn't even want to go though. But Danny will never ever ever hear of this! I woke up that morning with anxiety out the walls. My stomach literally felt like it was about to plunge from my insides, my head hurt, I was sad, and all I wanted was to know if Danny was alright. However, I promised my sister we'd go, so I sucked it up (like I'm always doing these days) and off to the concert we went. We even got there three hours before the gates even opened so we could be at the stage and then once we were in, we proceeded to stand until 7p when the openers started! Luke didn't even come on until 9:30p!! Oh the craziness I do.

But as bad as I felt, it doesn't even come close to the mess we witnessed! By 5p (remember we had just walked into the gate) many many many people were already drunk! And I don't mean slightly tipsy, I'm talking full-fledged WASTED! This one couple in front of us were so trashed, the girl couldn't stand up straight and kept falling into the stage and the two of them were practically having sex right there! Literally, I saw way to much boobs and butt for my liking! lol.

During the concert, Luke totally grabbed my hand! Like fully grabbed it! And my knees may or may not have given out on me and I may or may not have fallen backwards on my sister. And Luke may or may not have chuckled at me! Y'all know the chuckle! That oh so sexy chuckle and grin that boy has! Oh ..and.. he totally threw a coozie at me! And it may have gone down my shirt!! (: See, Luke does love me!! Yes! Yes, he does!!

All in all, I'm really glad I went. I would've regretted not going! Danny would've been pissed if I didn't go (because he would've known I didn't go because he's deployed. That boy knows I'd choose a Luke concert over a telephone call when he's just sitting in the barracks!) I don't like to say that my life revolves around the army because it really doesn't. Danny's life does though and since we're together, by default, half of my life revolves around the military life too! That's just how it is! I hate it but it's true! So I stay stressed and I stay home a lot and I don't have many friends anymore (because I just worry all the time) and I spend hours and days and weeks preparing the best care-package ever so he knows I'm still here and I care and there's not one place I go where I don't think it'd be 10X better if he were here. I went to the concert, but the whole time I was thinking "I'm having fun, what if he's hurt?!".

I did pick him up a few things! Not that he'll probably appreciate them .. but he'll use them because I got them FOR HIM! So even while I was staring at one of the sexiest men on the planet, I was still thinking of my man! The one God made just for me!

Like seriously?! The best girlfriend award goes to ... yours truly. (:

This isn't the coozie he threw at me by the way (that one is safely being preserved in my room).

And now for some pictures .. 

Me and my sister (I'm on the right...the one with all the curls)

My baby in action! Sexy man!

He was giving us the low-down on why he loves doing Farm Tours. One of the many reasons I fell in love. haha.

He's just so pretty .. I could cry!

Damn son! Y'all see all them teeth?!?! It's no wonder half the world in is love with him!

And he enjoys what he does, sexxxxxy ! ;)

until next time - stay safe, stay strong, keep your head up and keep pressing on

-V-