In the midst of my pity part, I remember something very, crucially important.

I’m 23 years old.

It’s Friday night.

My plans? I had dinner with mama at Waffle House and came home to an empty apartment.

I’m living the life, right? WRONG!

Tonight, via Facebook of course, folks are celebrating life with their friends, enjoying dates with their spouses, or spending much needed time unwinding with their families. I don’t have that – and that’s a terrible feeling.

I desire nothing more than a family of my own. I envision coming home from a long shift to find a husband and children running through the house. I can see us cooking supper together and sitting down to enjoy said food. I can imagine evening walks. I want bath times and bedtimes and fairytales to send the kiddos to dreamland. I want to cuddle with a husband and watch late-night television or just talk about our day before we retire to the bedroom. I can imagine waking up late to the man of my dreams on lazy weekends and making pancakes every Saturday morning. I dream of Sunday afternoon lunch with the whole family, my parents and siblings included.

I want this perfect, fairytale life. And tonight, it’s just me. Alone. In an empty apartment.

However, in the midst of my pity party, I remember something very, crucially important.

Delight thyself also in the Lord; and He shall give thee the desires of thine heart.

Psalms 37:4

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding 

Proverbs 3:5

Peace and Love,

V

t w e n t y t h r e e

On this day, twenty-three years ago a beautiful baby girl was born into this world. That would be me! (:

A lot of people would say that the 23^rd birthday is irrelevant. Twenty-three is just a number and nothing special happens. You can already drive, already enlist, already drink, and are already considered an adult. All the while, being a few years shy of a clean driving record and an AARP. By 23, some are on their way down an isle, some are starting or already have a family, some are still trying to find their way out of the local bar, and some are still trying to figure out what they what for their lives.

I’d love to say I’m no different. In some ways I’m not. But in other ways, I’m aged far beyond my years. I’ve seen more than a few, I’ve lived more than some, and I’ve experienced more emotional turmoil than many ever will.

Let me disclaim myself by saying, I’m not writing this post for pity or to downplay anyone else’s experiences. But this is my testament to how far I’ve come. I've overcome the loss of my best friend. I've endured the tragic loss of my fiancé. I'm dealing with debilitating migraines. I've graduate the University of Georgia. I am only a few months shy of completing my Masters degree and starting my career. 

I've learned of life's challenges the hard way. I've learned that grief cannot be rushed. I've learned that some people are better left in the past. I've learned that I'm far better off alone than with someone who doesn't treat me like a queen. I've learned that family will not always have your back, but God always will. 

Twenty-three, for me, is just the beginning.

I found myself this morning waking with peace! It's a strange, yet blissful feeling.

Over the past couple years, I’ve found myself lost. Lost in a sea of what could have been, what should have been, what would have been, and the most devastating of all, why would this happen.

A few months shy of two years ago, I lost my favorite person in this world. As much as I tried to deny it, my world revolved around him and his service. And as much as I tried to deny it, I loved every minute of it. With him deployed, my days were filled with writing letters and emails, creating care-packages, wondering where he was and if he was okay. That was my life.

Was it stressful? Absolutely.

Would I recommend it? Never.

Would I do it again? For Danny, no doubt.

When he died, I lost my mind. How was I supposed to live? What was I supposed to do? I didn’t know how to act, what to do, or how to be “normal” again. I don’t even know if normal was a feasible option, but I was trying harder than I ever tried before.

I pretended I wasn’t hurting,

I pretended I could live without remembering him.

I pretended I was the person that could jump from relationship to relationship, man to man without too much commitment.

I pretended I wanted companionship, not a future.

I pretended. And pretended. And pretended some more. Until I believed I was that person. Everyday I believed I was that person, a part of Victoria died – the part of me that I loved, that Danny loved, that GOD loved.

I believed whole-heartedly that Danny was taken from me because I had done something wrong. I searched and prayed for an answer, but none were to be found. We hadn’t done anything “wrong”. Were we reckless teenagers? Yes. Did we make mistakes? Yes. Our relationship, however, was founded around our faith and God sat in the middle of it. Never have I ever felt God so strongly as I did when that man prayed with me, when we sat on the phone Saturday nights and read the Bible together, or when he’d hold my hand in his daddy’s church. God was with us. God was in us. And I didn’t understand why He wouldn’t let us work out.

My lack of understanding is the root of all my problems! This was a big one though. Because I didn’t understand, I just stopped. I stopped trying. I stopped going to church. I stopped believing God cared. I stopped believing that the one person that could help me, would actually help me.

It started with me blaming school for my lack of participation and presence.

Then I started dating around.

Then I started being careless.

Then I stopped caring about being careless.

Then I did whatever I wanted.

It was a vicious cycle and I was trapped.

After the events of the past few weeks, I found myself in church like I had several times before; sitting next to my mama in a pretty dress, having a mini-pity party, and thinking about anything but God and the service. As I’m sitting there, the choir comes down and the preacher takes the stand. I would love to tell where he preached from and explain the sermon that changed my whole world. But I cannot. As he took the stand, he recited a verse and God stopped me dead in my tracks.

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths. 

Proverbs 3:5-6

These are scriptures we’ve all heard over and over again. This passage has blown up on pinterest and tumblr as some of the most encouraging passages in the Bible. And while I know this scripture by heart, something clicked.

I felt God!

I realized quite a few things yesterday in my backwoods, hillbilly-filled, small-town Baptist church.

1. I don’t have to understand God’s plan. The point is that He has one and I'm a part of it. Regardless of my illness, regardless of my experiences, and regardless of my rebellion. He has a plan! I’m a part of that plan! I don’t have to know exactly what that plan entails a hundred years from now. I just have to trust Him to provide for me and to place me where I should be. I have to be a vessel; full and willing to be used.
2. God's plan for Danny was fulfilled. Danny followed God and trusted Him to guide his life. Danny’s purpose, whatever that was, had been met. Why would God allow him to stay on Earth amidst the temptations, trials, and troubles if he had already fulfilled his purpose? So while his untimely death might seem torturous and unfair to me, Danny is singing among the angels in heaven. He’s at peace. He’s looking down on me, wondering why I’m being so dumb! He's fine! He wants nothing more than for me to be okay and happy again.
3. No matter what trials I face, God is in control. He knows what he’s doing and I really need to start trusting that. Trust Him with my health. Trust Him with my relationships. Trust Him with my career. Trust Him with my life!

I found myself this morning waking with peace. It's a strange, yet blissful feeling. I don't know what today will hold nor do I know what this week will hold nor do I know what this year will hold. But today, for the first time in a really long time, I don't need to know for I know who holds today and tomorrow and this year and eternity.

Happy Monday y'all!

Peace and Love,

V