I don't feel this way anymore. I chose a person! He was my person, my best friend, the love of my life. We had planned everything and everything I wanted, he wanted too. We wanted children - lots of children! We wanted children within a year or so of our wedding. I wanted to be a nurse and he wanted to be a soldier. We decided that we'd live our lives together and we'd live wherever the army sent us. We were happy and we'd spend the rest of our lives happy. This was the book I wrote! The book WE wrote! And I loved every chapter of it.
Within one phone call, the whole world stopped spinning and my co-author was taken from me. Literally ripped out of my life. Its not fair. I feel lost and alone. He left me here...alone. I feel like I need my best friend - both of them - to talk to but neither of them are here. How is this fair at all?! How is this my life?! I don't feel in control anymore. The book that I wanted to write, the book I wrote already, is no longer possible for my life. So how can I be the author of my own life?! I can't.
One phone call was all it took to change my life, to destroy my whole world, to kill every hope, every dream I ever had. One phone call and every opinion and thought that I had was changed. One accident, one attack ..and everything ended.
I'm not so sure on the whole "we're the authors of our lives" quote. There is so much we cannot control, I feel like the only control we are left with is how we chose to handle these things, and THIS...I do not know how one handles. You know it is far different when its a person in their 70s,80s, 90s and they lived a full life. It is quite different when they are cheated out of their future at such a young age. I cannot even pretend to know how to cope with that as his love- I think you just do the best you can and leave people's judgements aside. Always remember you have friends who support you- we will always be here for you!
ReplyDeleteIt is so scary, as like, I knew we had this risk, we feared this risk, I just never really thought it would happen to either of us. It's heartbreaking. The only advice I have is - Everyday strive to make Danny proud and honor his memory. Take time to grieve. You need this time. And when around negative people, go into your awesome bubble and don't let them penetrate it. Quite ironic how those have room to judge but more than likely were not widowed yet, let alone at early 20's. I can't express how sorry I am this has happened to you!