Gloomy, Gloomsville - Population One

The past couple weeks, well ever since I heard about the attack, my whole entire life has been turned completely upside down. Like literally, it a battle everyday to even get out of bed. I feel like there is a huge hole in my chest where my heart should be. That heart that I once had, the heart of hope and faith and trust and love is no longer there. It was ripped out the moment Danny died. And it hurts - like a physical pain. I've had bad relationships before and I've endured my fair share of break ups, but this is different. We didn't break-up. We didn't drift apart or even grow apart. We wanted to be together. We planned our lives together. We were meant and destined to be together. He was taken from me way to soon! We weren't even given the chance to fail. I feel even if we'd broken up later down the road, or even now, it wouldn't hurt this bad. Now, I feel I've been cheated the chance at a family, at a marriage. I feel like my whole world has been ripped away from me. I don't know how to live anymore. I merely run on auto-pilot day in and day out. I don't feel anything anymore. I don't want to be around anyone anymore. Its almost like if I stop living then he'll come back and none of this will have ever happened. I almost feel that if I stop moving forward then it'll be like nothing has changed - he's still deployed and will be home..eventually. I know how crazy this must all sound and some of you are probably already dialing the nearest psychiatric hospital to put me in, but its honestly how I feel. Its hard getting up every morning, going to school, going to church...living...knowing that everything is completely different now. It's hard going on about my life knowing that I don't have much of a life anymore or any one to share that life with anymore. I've said it before, but I'll say it again, its not fair.

I feel sad - all the time. Its like I don't know how to be happy anymore. I catch myself laughing or smiling at something someone has said or done, but that temporary feeling and action fades within a few seconds and I'm right back to my constant emotions - sadness, depression, grief, heart ache. Even the world seems to feel this way! Since Danny passed, the weather around this apartment has been extremely moody and gloomtastic. There has been this constant over-shadow sky, rain, wind, etc. Its as if God is sad too; as if He is mourning the loss of another soul taken too soon, cheated out of a future as such a young age. So maybe, Gloomy, Gloomsville has a population of two!