maybe i do believe in those mysterious ways

I was raised in a very old-fashioned, Southern family which means that I was also raised in an old-fashioned, Baptist church. I love my church - the Spirit, the people, all of it. But I believe that church and going to church is a lot different than your relationship with Christ. Anyone can go to church. A lot of people actually do go to church. But having a relationship with God - that's a completely different thing. I won't lie, my personal relationship with him hasn't always been perfect and it still isn't. I have this really bad tendency to blame God when things go badly. I question His will and I get angry when things don't go like they should. When I heard the news of the accident and then Danny's final fate, I was mad. I was angry. I lashed out! I remember the exact thought - "I'm never going back to church. God hates me! Why should I go and be faithful when He took the one person..the only person..I wanted to spend forever with, the one man that I cannot live without." I'm embarrassed to have had this thought, but it is the truth.

I skipped Wednesday night service and was awake in plenty of time Sunday morning to get ready, but did not go. I literally just laid in bed. Then, my mom took me to lunch - I'm not sure why she thinks its such a great idea to drag me around!! I found out that my little brother, who had just confessed his calling to preach, was preaching for the very first time. That's my little brother. My life. We're like best friends. I needed to be there! So I went...only to support Jonathan and no other reason. I avoided person after person - I hate the pity stares and sympathy hugs! But I walk through the doors and the tears begin to pour...again. It was almost as if God was telling me that He was still here for me! Telling me that He was there regardless of how I felt. Telling me that He was giving me time to grieve.

At the end of the day, I know that Danny trusted God with everything and probably didn't question this end when it was coming. But it still hurts - not for him of course. I know where he is, he's not hurting and he's probably looking down at me begging me not to grieve for him. I just can't help it though! I guess its all a part of the process...I just never wanted to have to go through the process. We were suppose to have 100+ years together!! But here I am just wishing for one more day, one more hug, one more kiss, one more conversation. Its only been a few days, but I swear it just keeps sinking in harder and harder and it keeps becoming more real and more real and these days have felt like centuries. :'(