No. Fun.

I am 21 years old. That is all. There is absolutely no reason I should feel this old; this worn out; this burnt out on life. Everything has been getting to me lately. Danny being deployed. My family's health issues. My own health issues - and the fact that no one on the face of the planet can tell me what's wrong with me! School - I'm graduating May 2013 and then what?! What happens if I can't get into nursing school .. or a graduate program. That sets Danny and me back a good few years! Or does it?! And let's be real, all I want at the moment is to get married all ready, be with him as much as I can (even though the Army dictates EVERYTHING!), have a family with him! But the thought of our future together always brings the terrible questions - what if he doesn't come home?! What am I going to do then with no job, no degree to support myself or a potential family?!

Its no fun to always question. Its no fun to worry that nothing will turn out the way you plan! And everyone just says "Stay Strong", "He'll come home", "Just have faith". Well for starters, I think I'm pretty damn strong - just saying, I think I keep myself together pretty dang well considering everything that is going on. But at the end of the day, I can only stay strong for so long. I am only human! I know I joke about being "supergirl" and being able to handle it all, but I can't. No one can! And no one knows if he'll come home. Not him. Not me. Not the army. NO ONE! We all HOPE he's coming home, and we all PRAY he'll come home. But there is absolutely no guarantee of this! And I know that statement probably pissed a few folks off, but its the truth! No one is sure of anything. Its not a guarantee that I'll even wake up in the morning, so how can you promise me he'll be home! YOU CANNOT! Faith - I'm all one for faith. That and trust in God has gotten me through a lot! But times like this, faith doesn't even seem to be enough - but maybe I just need to find a little more!

I know I sound like Ms. Debbie Downer, but I've never had a good feeling about this deployment. Although its our second one, something about this go around has felt different. And to make matters worse, I rarely hear from him - that does not help ladies and gentlemen! I chalked up my apprehensions about this tour as some subconscious anxiety since he was hurt before. And I was really naiive about the last one - like I knew what he was suppose to be doing but I never thought, even for a second, that he would get hurt. Maybe it was because I had a lot of things go down here as he was leaving and left or maybe because I knew Iraq had calmed down a lot - regardless, its a lot harder this go around. I seriously feel like I sent him off to get injured! This my friends, is the worse feeling I could ever have imagined.

until next time - stay safe, stay strong, keep your head up and keep pressing on

-V-