A lot of the time I find myself blaming the Army for sending him away, for leaving me here alone, for all the stress in my life. But at the end of the day, we BOTH chose this life and we knew what we were getting into.
Danny CHOSE to enlist. That was his decision. No matter what anyone said, would've said, should've said .. he was going to enlist! This is his passion in life and he is pursuing this dream the best he can. And for that I'm so proud of him. It's rather attractive actually. I, however, did not sign the dotted line giving my life to the Army. I did agree to stand by him though when I entered into this relationship. We both knew that he was stationed out of state. We both knew that he could potentially get PCSed somewhere else - maybe even further away! We both knew the dangers associated with his career. We both knew that injuries could happen - and for us it did. We also knew deployments WOULD come. They are just unavoidable. We didn't expect he'd have to deploy twice within such a short amount of time though; it's actually really rare that this happen I hear. But after all, it is the Army..they kinda do what they want.
Regardless, I know I complain a lot about our situation! I hate that he's gone a lot and I hate that now that he's deployed, the weather and the Army and everything else it seems dictate when and how often we're able to talk to each other or even email each other! Its hard! Let's be blunt - he's in a war zone! Everyday he goes into combat and everyday something could happen! That's the reality of his deployment; hell, any deployment! And what am I suppose to do?! Go absolutely crazy worrying?! I've already aced that one! Its hard being left behind and knowing what he's suppose to be doing and then not hearing from him for weeks at a time! Come on now! How are you suppose to stay calm?! Uhh - you're not! I'm a nervous wreck every second of every minute of every hour of every day he's over there!
My mind goes into crazy overdrive with all these "what-ifs". Seriously though! What if he gets hurt again?! What if its more serious this time and gets a medical discharge or is permanently disabled?! How will we handle everything - finances, future children, everything?!?! What if its worse - he doesn't make it home?! What will I do without him?! I've built my whole future on this relationship. I honestly don't know how I'll go on! I pride myself as being an independent girl and I believe this is still true. But I love him so much that if he were to pass, I don't know how I'll survive. What if this deployment affects him like the last one?! We worked through the last one; yes, it got ugly sometimes but we got through it. Will we be that lucky twice?! I absolutely hate these questions. These feelings. They haunt me.
until next time - stay safe, stay strong, keep your head up and keep pressing on
-V-
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