American Widow Project - I guess this is real life.

This past weekend started like any normal Saturday. I slept in. I laid around in my bed. I tried to forget that the past few months actually existed. My roommate and I laid around the apartment watching movies - to say it was a lazy Saturday would be an understatement. That is until I checked the mail. In the mailbox, I found a package from the American Widow Project. I had never heard of them before and was a bit skeptical of how they got my information. Danny was super private, as am I, and his service in general was, for the most part, under lock and key. He served this country with the humblest attitude I've ever witnessed. He never wanted recognition for his service nor wanted benefits that came from his service - not until we were in a place where we needed them. He never took military discounts or anything because he always said we didn't need those right now; he'd always say that we shouldn't take advantage of these options because one day we'll need them and they might not be there. He was so selfless. I think that's one of the things about him that made him such a great soldier.

This package contained a documentary of six young military widows much like myself. We're all in our early 20s, some married and some engaged, some with children and some without, but none-the-less we all have been given this title of a military widow. Their stories were so relatable and I found pieces of my stories in each of theirs. Danny and I wanted children - lots of children, but I guess it wasn't in the cards. He was my best friend and although we weren't married doesn't take away from the fact that he was the love of my life. I find myself irrational and frustrated and angry at everything. Its not that I'm actually angry, I'm just frustrated at the world for taking him away from me so soon and frustrated at the fact that my life isn't going to turn out the way I wanted; the way we wanted. I'm never going to be that carefree girl that was always happy. I may be happy again one day, but I'll never be as happy as I was or as happy as I could be. There's a sadness in my eyes that I cannot seem to shake.

The package also contained a "military widow" logo pin. This pin will always be with me. Without saying a word, it shouts my status as a military widow. I, like many others, never asked for this title of a military widow - yet its the label I've been given. Its a label I'd like to forget that explains a love too strong for Earth. A title that explains the heartache I've endured and the pain I'm continually faced with day in and day out. This pin shouts that I am proud of my fiance - his service, his sacrifice, his life. I never claim he was a perfect man, but he was perfect for me. This pin tells of my strength and of his heroism - without having to say a word. Which, for all though that know me, is something I'm grateful for. I love talking about him, about us, about his service even. However, once the conversation turns to the attack, I break!

I'm extremely grateful to the American Widow Project for their generous gift during this difficult time in my life. If you're interested, please go here for more information. From what I've gathered, there are many ways to get involved if you are, like me, a military widow. I'm not really sure all the different outlets you can get involved in, but when I find out, y'all will know. Also, if your not a military widow and would like to help other military widows, there are those options as well. Check them out! Please. Please. Please. This organization sounds amazing and I wonder why I'm just now learning about it.

Until Next Time - stay safe, stay strong, keep your head up and keep pressing on

-V-

Gloomy, Gloomsville - Population One

The past couple weeks, well ever since I heard about the attack, my whole entire life has been turned completely upside down. Like literally, it a battle everyday to even get out of bed. I feel like there is a huge hole in my chest where my heart should be. That heart that I once had, the heart of hope and faith and trust and love is no longer there. It was ripped out the moment Danny died. And it hurts - like a physical pain. I've had bad relationships before and I've endured my fair share of break ups, but this is different. We didn't break-up. We didn't drift apart or even grow apart. We wanted to be together. We planned our lives together. We were meant and destined to be together. He was taken from me way to soon! We weren't even given the chance to fail. I feel even if we'd broken up later down the road, or even now, it wouldn't hurt this bad. Now, I feel I've been cheated the chance at a family, at a marriage. I feel like my whole world has been ripped away from me. I don't know how to live anymore. I merely run on auto-pilot day in and day out. I don't feel anything anymore. I don't want to be around anyone anymore. Its almost like if I stop living then he'll come back and none of this will have ever happened. I almost feel that if I stop moving forward then it'll be like nothing has changed - he's still deployed and will be home..eventually. I know how crazy this must all sound and some of you are probably already dialing the nearest psychiatric hospital to put me in, but its honestly how I feel. Its hard getting up every morning, going to school, going to church...living...knowing that everything is completely different now. It's hard going on about my life knowing that I don't have much of a life anymore or any one to share that life with anymore. I've said it before, but I'll say it again, its not fair.

I feel sad - all the time. Its like I don't know how to be happy anymore. I catch myself laughing or smiling at something someone has said or done, but that temporary feeling and action fades within a few seconds and I'm right back to my constant emotions - sadness, depression, grief, heart ache. Even the world seems to feel this way! Since Danny passed, the weather around this apartment has been extremely moody and gloomtastic. There has been this constant over-shadow sky, rain, wind, etc. Its as if God is sad too; as if He is mourning the loss of another soul taken too soon, cheated out of a future as such a young age. So maybe, Gloomy, Gloomsville has a population of two!

and now it's my turn

It has been a hard week to say the least. Between grieving, finals, and roommate drama, the fact I'm still alive and/or not in jail is nothing shy of a miracle. Seriously though. I'm usually not the type of person that wallows in self pity or allows emotions to completely overwhelm me. This week, however, I was completely consumed - with sadness, with anger, with frustration. I'm fortunate in the sense that I have many friends, both military and non, that are concerned with my overall well-being and have frequently checked in on me. It seems to be the general consensus that I'm allowed to feel this way, I'm entitled to have these emotions, and it's okay to have these feelings consume me in this moment of my life. But this isn't me. Without Danny here, I feel lost. I feel like I have no reason to live, no reason to finish school, no reason to go on.

However, throughout these conversations, I've also heard the line "you have to live for the both of you now" and "in everything you do, honor him, make him proud, don't let his sacrifice be wasted". And since I've practically lived in my bed this week, I've had lots of time to think about this, what this means, and what I can do. I've come to the conclusion that the best way to honor his memory is to continue his fight, his duty. But how do I do that?! I'm not a soldier. I do not have the passion it takes to even become a soldier. That was always his passion. Through my love for him and my love for this country, I have developed a passion for supporting our troops. During both of Danny's deployments and while he was "home", I loved sending morale to him, his best friends, and the rest of his troop. It was my thing.

So now, I'm an official volunteer doing whatever is needed to help military members stay strong and come back to their families. A lot of my friends have begun volunteering through Homefront Hugs and Soldiers' Angels, so I figured I'd give it a whirl. I've got to keep going and I've got to stay strong. Danny dedicated his whole life to this fight - now it's my turn!

the author of your own life ... really now?!

For the past week or so, my philosophy class has been discussing "Existentialism is a Humanism" by Jean-Paul Sartre. As I listen to the lectures, the idea that you are the author of your own life became a pretty apparent concept throughout the text. When we first started to discuss this text, I was totally on board with this idea. I truly believed that we were in control of our own lives and the choices we make define and shape who we are and the type of people we become. When I was in middle school, my best friend Kelly passed away and I had a super rough time dealing with it. I felt that I could've done something - should have done something - to save her. But even with her passing, I still believed that I had control. She was my best friend and I miss her like crazy, but I still had control over my life. The person I chose to marry, the amount of children I wanted to have, when I chose to have those kids, where I chose to marry - these and many more are things I had control over.

I don't feel this way anymore. I chose a person! He was my person, my best friend, the love of my life. We had planned everything and everything I wanted, he wanted too. We wanted children - lots of children! We wanted children within a year or so of our wedding. I wanted to be a nurse and he wanted to be a soldier. We decided that we'd live our lives together and we'd live wherever the army sent us. We were happy and we'd spend the rest of our lives happy. This was the book I wrote! The book WE wrote! And I loved every chapter of it. 

Within one phone call, the whole world stopped spinning and my co-author was taken from me. Literally ripped out of my life. Its not fair. I feel lost and alone. He left me here...alone. I feel like I need my best friend - both of them - to talk to but neither of them are here. How is this fair at all?! How is this my life?! I don't feel in control anymore. The book that I wanted to write, the book I wrote already, is no longer possible for my life. So how can I be the author of my own life?! I can't.

One phone call was all it took to change my life, to destroy my whole world, to kill every hope, every dream I ever had. One phone call and every opinion and thought that I had was changed. One accident, one attack ..and everything ended.