Gloomy, Gloomsville - Population One

The past couple weeks, well ever since I heard about the attack, my whole entire life has been turned completely upside down. Like literally, it a battle everyday to even get out of bed. I feel like there is a huge hole in my chest where my heart should be. That heart that I once had, the heart of hope and faith and trust and love is no longer there. It was ripped out the moment Danny died. And it hurts - like a physical pain. I've had bad relationships before and I've endured my fair share of break ups, but this is different. We didn't break-up. We didn't drift apart or even grow apart. We wanted to be together. We planned our lives together. We were meant and destined to be together. He was taken from me way to soon! We weren't even given the chance to fail. I feel even if we'd broken up later down the road, or even now, it wouldn't hurt this bad. Now, I feel I've been cheated the chance at a family, at a marriage. I feel like my whole world has been ripped away from me. I don't know how to live anymore. I merely run on auto-pilot day in and day out. I don't feel anything anymore. I don't want to be around anyone anymore. Its almost like if I stop living then he'll come back and none of this will have ever happened. I almost feel that if I stop moving forward then it'll be like nothing has changed - he's still deployed and will be home..eventually. I know how crazy this must all sound and some of you are probably already dialing the nearest psychiatric hospital to put me in, but its honestly how I feel. Its hard getting up every morning, going to school, going to church...living...knowing that everything is completely different now. It's hard going on about my life knowing that I don't have much of a life anymore or any one to share that life with anymore. I've said it before, but I'll say it again, its not fair.

I feel sad - all the time. Its like I don't know how to be happy anymore. I catch myself laughing or smiling at something someone has said or done, but that temporary feeling and action fades within a few seconds and I'm right back to my constant emotions - sadness, depression, grief, heart ache. Even the world seems to feel this way! Since Danny passed, the weather around this apartment has been extremely moody and gloomtastic. There has been this constant over-shadow sky, rain, wind, etc. Its as if God is sad too; as if He is mourning the loss of another soul taken too soon, cheated out of a future as such a young age. So maybe, Gloomy, Gloomsville has a population of two!

and now it's my turn

It has been a hard week to say the least. Between grieving, finals, and roommate drama, the fact I'm still alive and/or not in jail is nothing shy of a miracle. Seriously though. I'm usually not the type of person that wallows in self pity or allows emotions to completely overwhelm me. This week, however, I was completely consumed - with sadness, with anger, with frustration. I'm fortunate in the sense that I have many friends, both military and non, that are concerned with my overall well-being and have frequently checked in on me. It seems to be the general consensus that I'm allowed to feel this way, I'm entitled to have these emotions, and it's okay to have these feelings consume me in this moment of my life. But this isn't me. Without Danny here, I feel lost. I feel like I have no reason to live, no reason to finish school, no reason to go on.

However, throughout these conversations, I've also heard the line "you have to live for the both of you now" and "in everything you do, honor him, make him proud, don't let his sacrifice be wasted". And since I've practically lived in my bed this week, I've had lots of time to think about this, what this means, and what I can do. I've come to the conclusion that the best way to honor his memory is to continue his fight, his duty. But how do I do that?! I'm not a soldier. I do not have the passion it takes to even become a soldier. That was always his passion. Through my love for him and my love for this country, I have developed a passion for supporting our troops. During both of Danny's deployments and while he was "home", I loved sending morale to him, his best friends, and the rest of his troop. It was my thing.

So now, I'm an official volunteer doing whatever is needed to help military members stay strong and come back to their families. A lot of my friends have begun volunteering through Homefront Hugs and Soldiers' Angels, so I figured I'd give it a whirl. I've got to keep going and I've got to stay strong. Danny dedicated his whole life to this fight - now it's my turn!

the author of your own life ... really now?!

For the past week or so, my philosophy class has been discussing "Existentialism is a Humanism" by Jean-Paul Sartre. As I listen to the lectures, the idea that you are the author of your own life became a pretty apparent concept throughout the text. When we first started to discuss this text, I was totally on board with this idea. I truly believed that we were in control of our own lives and the choices we make define and shape who we are and the type of people we become. When I was in middle school, my best friend Kelly passed away and I had a super rough time dealing with it. I felt that I could've done something - should have done something - to save her. But even with her passing, I still believed that I had control. She was my best friend and I miss her like crazy, but I still had control over my life. The person I chose to marry, the amount of children I wanted to have, when I chose to have those kids, where I chose to marry - these and many more are things I had control over.

I don't feel this way anymore. I chose a person! He was my person, my best friend, the love of my life. We had planned everything and everything I wanted, he wanted too. We wanted children - lots of children! We wanted children within a year or so of our wedding. I wanted to be a nurse and he wanted to be a soldier. We decided that we'd live our lives together and we'd live wherever the army sent us. We were happy and we'd spend the rest of our lives happy. This was the book I wrote! The book WE wrote! And I loved every chapter of it. 

Within one phone call, the whole world stopped spinning and my co-author was taken from me. Literally ripped out of my life. Its not fair. I feel lost and alone. He left me here...alone. I feel like I need my best friend - both of them - to talk to but neither of them are here. How is this fair at all?! How is this my life?! I don't feel in control anymore. The book that I wanted to write, the book I wrote already, is no longer possible for my life. So how can I be the author of my own life?! I can't.

One phone call was all it took to change my life, to destroy my whole world, to kill every hope, every dream I ever had. One phone call and every opinion and thought that I had was changed. One accident, one attack ..and everything ended.

Operation Merry Christmas

Christmastime, like many other holidays and special times throughout the year, is extremely difficult with a loved one who is deployed. Whether that is a husband or wife, a boyfriend or girlfriend, a fiance, a brother, sister, mom, dad, it doesn't matter! It's the same pain, the same longing, the same desire for them to be home with you during this time! I think Christmas is the hardest for me just because I love it so much! I love the festivities, the parades, the parties, the decorations, the gift-giving, the food - literally, everything! even the smell! It absolutely kills my soul when he cannot be here and my heart breaks a little more when I think that he's going to be spending Christmas alone (well, not technically alone, but not with his family and friends and you know...me! lol) and in that stupid sandbox!

So...being the most amazing girlfriend in whole entire world, Christmas is being sent to Afghanistan! WooHoo! Cause if he can't come to me this year, I'm gonna make sure I get to him! Even if its just through a ridiculous cheesy, Christmas-tacular care package! And that's exactly what he got this year! (:

Included:

• Christmas Tree
• Decorations (because decorating the tree is the best part!)
• red balls
• green balls
• gold tinsel
• gold star
• Candle 
• Battery operated of course! (No Lithium batteries though!)
• In memory of his mama! (He always does a candle light for her and his friends who have passed on Christmas Eve. This way he has a way to do this all the way over there.)
• Stocking (filled with candy!)
• Snacks
• Beef Jerky
• Almonds
• Granola
• Hot Chocolate Packs
• Candy Canes
• TicTacs
• Candy (it's winter now so chocolate is a-okayy!)
• KitKat
• M&Ms
• Milky Way
• Twix
• Cards/Letters
• From me and my lovely bestfriend! (:

I'm not sure how much is known about custom forms, but ever since Danny deployed the first time, I've always been told that in the box telling what to do with the box if it is lost or can't be delivered that you ask for it to be redirected to the chaplain. No big deal right?! Well, I go to the post office today and the clerk is checking everything..blah, blah, blah.. but then she goes: "Girl who told you to redirect it to the chaplain! You're so smart. Most people don't know that...blah blah blah". Literally, the lady went on for a good minute about it! It was definitely the highlight of my day! I may just be an army girlfriend or fiance - but I apparently know more about this lifestyle and the workings of the system than most others! And that puts a smile on this girl's face! (:

Pictures! Pictures!

Operation Merry Christmas

Finally Got It All Tucked Away 

Letter Writing! (:

(please ignore my messy table!)

Mandi's letter! Can I please point out where she say I'm mean?!?!

Custom Forms! They are the worse things on Earth!

Letters on top! (: 

Hi.Ho. Hi.Ho. To the post office we go! (:

Until Next Time - stay safe, stay strong, keep your head up and keep pressing on

-V-

Veteran's Day 2012

Veteran's Day is a special day for everyone - a day to honor our veterans, every man and woman who has served our country. As such, this day also holds a special place in the heart of all military men and women and their families who support them in everything they do.

I do not view active duty or reservist or any military personnel who is currently serving as a veteran. I know that sounds really weird as most of the military friends I've made view their "currently serving" boyfriend or husband as a veteran. But, to me, they aren't veterans - at least not yet. A veteran, the way I look at it, are the service men and women who have served our country and are either retired or have been discharged or for whatever reason are no longer a member of the military. These are the people that should be honored on this day - you know, for everything they did for our country.

I don't proclaim this lightly though because many of the military men and women STILL serving our country have done amazing things and they should be honored as well. I just don't think Veteran's Day is the day to do that because as I already said, they aren't veterans yet.

However, with all of that being said, I still celebrate and honor my own, personal soldier on this day. He, like many other military men and women, has served our country to the best of his ability and I have no doubt that he will continue to do amazing things throughout his service. And whether he chooses to get out of the army when his contract is up or continue to make a life within the army, I will support him and stand by him.

This Veteran's Day though, Danny and I spent the day apart...again. This whole separation thing is becoming way to routine for my liking! Anyway, Veteran's Day with a deployed boyfriend is really tough. I hate when people thank me for his service - and that's what happened. I am not serving. I have not served. I am not a soldier. So why am I being thanked for everything that he's done?! No. Thank him! Ask for his email! Tell me to thank him! You could even thank me for putting up with the army shindigs or for putting up with a deployment (like the worry, loneliness, distance, etc). But do not thank me for HIS service because I didn't do anything. Another thing I hate about this day when D's away is the mere face that everyone wants to talk about him. I do a fairly amazing job at not thinking about Danny when I'm around other people and I do a fairly decent job at hiding my fear for him and the jobs he is doing overseas. Therefore, when you feel the need to pat me on the back as if you feel sorry for me - I lose it! (yes! this actually happened - and in church at that. seriously lady?!) And in the process you've pissed me off because I do not need anyone to feel sorry for me! At the end of the day, I knew what I was signing up for and I knew the pressures that comes along with the army life. So just don't do it! Like at all! Then again these are the thinks that piss me off everyday, not just on Veteran's Day. Veteran's Day just seems to amplify the amount of times it happens within any given day! I was not a happy camper!

But on a brighter note - and I know it's late, forgive me?

Happy Veteran's Day! (:

Until Next Time - stay safe, stay strong, keep your head up and keep pressing on

-V-

Letter Writing 101

As a military girlfriend, I send lots and lots of letters! I have lovely MilSOs that I write to and of course I'm always sending some kind of snail mail to that boy of mine! Writing letters and cards take a lot of time and effort but I think that's the thing that makes getting a handwritten letter in the mail so rewarding - that and of course the fact that someone was thinking of you! Seriously, who checks the mail and doesn't act like a kid at Christmas when they get a letter?! Umm - no one!

I was talking to my friend the other day and she was telling me about her boyfriend (who is in prison) and how that now he's been transferred to a new location they are writing letters to one another. Okay, he's in jail and can't talk too often, I get it! But this girl didn't know how to even label the envelope - her mom showed her! lmao. Seriously?! Didn't we learn this is elementary school?! lol. I love her though - she's so funny!! I just like giving her a hard time! :P

While we're on this topic, I figured I'd give the low-down on letter writing!

1. Always mention the funny things that have happened to you since the last time you wrote or spoke! Yes, you may have the opportunity to tell him over the phone or skype before he gets the letter, but that just means that when he rereads the story he'll think about that conversation the two of you had - your voice, your tone, and he'll hear your voice in his head when he reads it! ♥
2. Put some really cute lyrics or quotes in there - just to make it really cutsy! You don't get to see each other for months at a time so you've got to let him know you're still in this relationship!
3. Cutsy pictures and drawings/doodles are also very good! It makes him feel loved - that he was worth the effort.
4. Always decorate the envelope too! Put stickers on the envelope flap and write cute stuff on the back! (:
5. His address goes in the middle; yours in the upper left hand corner! I didn't think this needed to be specified but I suppose it does! lol.
6. Don't forget the stamp (top right corner) !! I'm cheap so I just use the regular ones. But you can get really cute ones if you want AND if you're really into it, you can customize them too with whatever you want on them! There are some really cute ones in zazzle.com.

Happy Writing! (: Make sure to tell your loves hello from me! ♥

Until Next Time - stay safe, stay strong, keep your head up and keep pressing on

-V-

No. Fun.

I am 21 years old. That is all. There is absolutely no reason I should feel this old; this worn out; this burnt out on life. Everything has been getting to me lately. Danny being deployed. My family's health issues. My own health issues - and the fact that no one on the face of the planet can tell me what's wrong with me! School - I'm graduating May 2013 and then what?! What happens if I can't get into nursing school .. or a graduate program. That sets Danny and me back a good few years! Or does it?! And let's be real, all I want at the moment is to get married all ready, be with him as much as I can (even though the Army dictates EVERYTHING!), have a family with him! But the thought of our future together always brings the terrible questions - what if he doesn't come home?! What am I going to do then with no job, no degree to support myself or a potential family?!

Its no fun to always question. Its no fun to worry that nothing will turn out the way you plan! And everyone just says "Stay Strong", "He'll come home", "Just have faith". Well for starters, I think I'm pretty damn strong - just saying, I think I keep myself together pretty dang well considering everything that is going on. But at the end of the day, I can only stay strong for so long. I am only human! I know I joke about being "supergirl" and being able to handle it all, but I can't. No one can! And no one knows if he'll come home. Not him. Not me. Not the army. NO ONE! We all HOPE he's coming home, and we all PRAY he'll come home. But there is absolutely no guarantee of this! And I know that statement probably pissed a few folks off, but its the truth! No one is sure of anything. Its not a guarantee that I'll even wake up in the morning, so how can you promise me he'll be home! YOU CANNOT! Faith - I'm all one for faith. That and trust in God has gotten me through a lot! But times like this, faith doesn't even seem to be enough - but maybe I just need to find a little more!

I know I sound like Ms. Debbie Downer, but I've never had a good feeling about this deployment. Although its our second one, something about this go around has felt different. And to make matters worse, I rarely hear from him - that does not help ladies and gentlemen! I chalked up my apprehensions about this tour as some subconscious anxiety since he was hurt before. And I was really naiive about the last one - like I knew what he was suppose to be doing but I never thought, even for a second, that he would get hurt. Maybe it was because I had a lot of things go down here as he was leaving and left or maybe because I knew Iraq had calmed down a lot - regardless, its a lot harder this go around. I seriously feel like I sent him off to get injured! This my friends, is the worse feeling I could ever have imagined.

until next time - stay safe, stay strong, keep your head up and keep pressing on

-V-

We Chose This - Now How Do We Cope?!

We don't! :/

A lot of the time I find myself blaming the Army for sending him away, for leaving me here alone, for all the stress in my life. But at the end of the day, we BOTH chose this life and we knew what we were getting into.

Danny CHOSE to enlist. That was his decision. No matter what anyone said, would've said, should've said .. he was going to enlist! This is his passion in life and he is pursuing this dream the best he can. And for that I'm so proud of him. It's rather attractive actually. I, however, did not sign the dotted line giving my life to the Army. I did agree to stand by him though when I entered into this relationship. We both knew that he was stationed out of state. We both knew that he could potentially get PCSed somewhere else - maybe even further away! We both knew the dangers associated with his career. We both knew that injuries could happen - and for us it did. We also knew deployments WOULD come. They are just unavoidable. We didn't expect he'd have to deploy twice within such a short amount of time though; it's actually really rare that this happen I hear. But after all, it is the Army..they kinda do what they want.

Regardless, I know I complain a lot about our situation! I hate that he's gone a lot and I hate that now that he's deployed, the weather and the Army and everything else it seems dictate when and how often we're able to talk to each other or even email each other! Its hard! Let's be blunt - he's in a war zone! Everyday he goes into combat and everyday something could happen! That's the reality of his deployment; hell, any deployment! And what am I suppose to do?! Go absolutely crazy worrying?! I've already aced that one! Its hard being left behind and knowing what he's suppose to be doing and then not hearing from him for weeks at a time! Come on now! How are you suppose to stay calm?! Uhh - you're not! I'm a nervous wreck every second of every minute of every hour of every day he's over there!

My mind goes into crazy overdrive with all these "what-ifs". Seriously though! What if he gets hurt again?! What if its more serious this time and gets a medical discharge or is permanently disabled?! How will we handle everything - finances, future children, everything?!?! What if its worse - he doesn't make it home?! What will I do without him?! I've built my whole future on this relationship. I honestly don't know how I'll go on! I pride myself as being an independent girl and I believe this is still true. But I love him so much that if he were to pass, I don't know how I'll survive. What if this deployment affects him like the last one?! We worked through the last one; yes, it got ugly sometimes but we got through it. Will we be that lucky twice?! I absolutely hate these questions. These feelings. They haunt me.

until next time - stay safe, stay strong, keep your head up and keep pressing on

-V-

Halloween Has Been Shipped .. all the way to Afghanistan

Deployments suck. They just do. There is no if, ands, or buts about it! They're ridiculously hard. They stress your relationship, they can drive anyone to drink, and they are notorious for sending a perfectly sane person crazy waiting for a skype date, a phone call, an email ..hell, a postcard. I'm not going to say there is an "upside" to deployment .. because I really can't think of one. Let's be real, he's fighting in a war zone and I'm sitting in my apartment having petty arguments with a roommate and blogging my life away (and this is just the randomness that has been done tonight!). I mean really though, how is this fair?! He should be here!

When he's gone, I do everything possible to make sure he knows how much I care, that I'm still here for him, that I love him, that I'm not going anywhere! I send care-packages galore. I send letters and emails and cards. Literally, I send him the world in a box or envelope. And even though I'm not really girly, I send a lot of girly gifts like Hello Kitty coloring books and pink cookies - you know, just so for that one moment when he opens it, I know he's thinking about me! I mean, I'm pretty positive he thinks about me a lot. We are getting married sooner or later and he calls and emails whenever he can. Its just nice to KNOW know. Ya know?!

Care-packages are seriously the funnest things to make - that is if you can put out of your head for a minute or two that it's going to Afghanistan! I'm pretty much a pro by now at putting his where-abouts in the back of my mind. Any.way. with Halloween right around the corner, what better way to say "Happy Halloween" than a wonderfully decorated care-package. Right?!

What's in it you ask?!

• (2) Halloween boxes with protein bars and cutesy Halloween cups and hot chocolate
• One for him ... One for his friend of course!
• LOTS of Halloween bags. You know, for his friends! (:
• What's in them?!
• Milk Duds - Danny likes them. And even if they melt, they'll melt together. No harm, no fowl.
• M&Ms - the hard shell protects them from melting too much.
• Tootsie Rolls.
• KitKats - yeah, these might melt. But Danny LOVES them! ..oh well. haha.
• Chocolate is a pretty tricky thing to send overseas because it tends to melt. I've always heard the rule that you should only send it between October and March ..but I still worry! :/ 
• Rule of Thumb: just be aware of what you're sending, where its going, etc!
• Cookies! Snickerdoodle of course! Isn't that some kind of fall-like cookie?! I mean it has cinnamon. 
• Danny isn't too big on sweets, but he says when he's overseas, he loves to have something sweet - like a little taste of home. I guess you never miss what's always around you.
• Letters. Letters. and more letters!
• Kissed and sprayed with perfume of course! ;)
• "Care cards" - a card for an emotion he may be feeling and inside each one there is a quote or message or something to make him feel better!
• PICTURES!
• I always send pictures in these boxes. I know its hard being away so I want him to feel like he's still here .. for everything! Because I know he would be if he could!
• Halloween decorations.





• Literally, deployed military men (women too) turn into 12 year old boys! (For his birthday, I sent a Nerf gun..oh dear Lord, the stories I've heard! smh.) I can already picture the pranks that will be pulled with the fake spiders, rats, etc.

Here's the boxes ..

In the making ..

And after .. 

With cards on top ?! of course! (:

*of course I also added captions to most of the pictures! like ..

"Look Uncle! I'm standing now!!"

"This is me, missing you!"

"I love you .. even more than I love Luke"

"Downtown - wish you were here!"

...I think y'all get it! I'm a big sappy, cheeseball! But only when it comes to him! ;)

until next time - stay safe, stay strong, keep your head up and keep pressing on

-V-