In Loving Memory (Easter Care Package)

A few months ago, I let it be known that I felt my duty to Danny and to honor his memory was to adopt a soldier - to continue his fight, to support the troops (the troops that do the exact same thing Danny did, in the exact same place Danny was) in the only way I can. Click here for a bit more details.

This was the first package I tried to get together to send. The emotional toil of this hit me a lot harder than I expected. I was buying stuff and decorating this box for someone who wasn't Danny - someone I didn't know and someone who wasn't my fiance. I know this is what Danny would've wanted. We've had lots of conversations about adopting military men and women once we got married and once we started to have kids. It would be this consistency in our hectic army life. We knew that if he stayed in the army, he would eventually be deployed and we hoped that by having always sent packages to someone, our children would find comfort in this. But, I guess that dream is long gone now.

Anyways, I've found trying to shop for a soldier you don't know is really difficult. Does he like this or that?! Would he prefer this or that?! Many questions flood your mind about what to get, etc. I did my best. I'm sure this soldier will appreciate it and I know Danny would be proud.

Until Next Time - stay safe, stay strong, keep your head up and keep pressing on

-V-

the author of your own life ... really now?!

For the past week or so, my philosophy class has been discussing "Existentialism is a Humanism" by Jean-Paul Sartre. As I listen to the lectures, the idea that you are the author of your own life became a pretty apparent concept throughout the text. When we first started to discuss this text, I was totally on board with this idea. I truly believed that we were in control of our own lives and the choices we make define and shape who we are and the type of people we become. When I was in middle school, my best friend Kelly passed away and I had a super rough time dealing with it. I felt that I could've done something - should have done something - to save her. But even with her passing, I still believed that I had control. She was my best friend and I miss her like crazy, but I still had control over my life. The person I chose to marry, the amount of children I wanted to have, when I chose to have those kids, where I chose to marry - these and many more are things I had control over.

I don't feel this way anymore. I chose a person! He was my person, my best friend, the love of my life. We had planned everything and everything I wanted, he wanted too. We wanted children - lots of children! We wanted children within a year or so of our wedding. I wanted to be a nurse and he wanted to be a soldier. We decided that we'd live our lives together and we'd live wherever the army sent us. We were happy and we'd spend the rest of our lives happy. This was the book I wrote! The book WE wrote! And I loved every chapter of it. 

Within one phone call, the whole world stopped spinning and my co-author was taken from me. Literally ripped out of my life. Its not fair. I feel lost and alone. He left me here...alone. I feel like I need my best friend - both of them - to talk to but neither of them are here. How is this fair at all?! How is this my life?! I don't feel in control anymore. The book that I wanted to write, the book I wrote already, is no longer possible for my life. So how can I be the author of my own life?! I can't.

One phone call was all it took to change my life, to destroy my whole world, to kill every hope, every dream I ever had. One phone call and every opinion and thought that I had was changed. One accident, one attack ..and everything ended.

Operation Merry Christmas

Christmastime, like many other holidays and special times throughout the year, is extremely difficult with a loved one who is deployed. Whether that is a husband or wife, a boyfriend or girlfriend, a fiance, a brother, sister, mom, dad, it doesn't matter! It's the same pain, the same longing, the same desire for them to be home with you during this time! I think Christmas is the hardest for me just because I love it so much! I love the festivities, the parades, the parties, the decorations, the gift-giving, the food - literally, everything! even the smell! It absolutely kills my soul when he cannot be here and my heart breaks a little more when I think that he's going to be spending Christmas alone (well, not technically alone, but not with his family and friends and you know...me! lol) and in that stupid sandbox!

So...being the most amazing girlfriend in whole entire world, Christmas is being sent to Afghanistan! WooHoo! Cause if he can't come to me this year, I'm gonna make sure I get to him! Even if its just through a ridiculous cheesy, Christmas-tacular care package! And that's exactly what he got this year! (:

Included:

• Christmas Tree
• Decorations (because decorating the tree is the best part!)
• red balls
• green balls
• gold tinsel
• gold star
• Candle 
• Battery operated of course! (No Lithium batteries though!)
• In memory of his mama! (He always does a candle light for her and his friends who have passed on Christmas Eve. This way he has a way to do this all the way over there.)
• Stocking (filled with candy!)
• Snacks
• Beef Jerky
• Almonds
• Granola
• Hot Chocolate Packs
• Candy Canes
• TicTacs
• Candy (it's winter now so chocolate is a-okayy!)
• KitKat
• M&Ms
• Milky Way
• Twix
• Cards/Letters
• From me and my lovely bestfriend! (:

I'm not sure how much is known about custom forms, but ever since Danny deployed the first time, I've always been told that in the box telling what to do with the box if it is lost or can't be delivered that you ask for it to be redirected to the chaplain. No big deal right?! Well, I go to the post office today and the clerk is checking everything..blah, blah, blah.. but then she goes: "Girl who told you to redirect it to the chaplain! You're so smart. Most people don't know that...blah blah blah". Literally, the lady went on for a good minute about it! It was definitely the highlight of my day! I may just be an army girlfriend or fiance - but I apparently know more about this lifestyle and the workings of the system than most others! And that puts a smile on this girl's face! (:

Pictures! Pictures!

Operation Merry Christmas

Finally Got It All Tucked Away 

Letter Writing! (:

(please ignore my messy table!)

Mandi's letter! Can I please point out where she say I'm mean?!?!

Custom Forms! They are the worse things on Earth!

Letters on top! (: 

Hi.Ho. Hi.Ho. To the post office we go! (:

Until Next Time - stay safe, stay strong, keep your head up and keep pressing on

-V-

Veteran's Day 2012

Veteran's Day is a special day for everyone - a day to honor our veterans, every man and woman who has served our country. As such, this day also holds a special place in the heart of all military men and women and their families who support them in everything they do.

I do not view active duty or reservist or any military personnel who is currently serving as a veteran. I know that sounds really weird as most of the military friends I've made view their "currently serving" boyfriend or husband as a veteran. But, to me, they aren't veterans - at least not yet. A veteran, the way I look at it, are the service men and women who have served our country and are either retired or have been discharged or for whatever reason are no longer a member of the military. These are the people that should be honored on this day - you know, for everything they did for our country.

I don't proclaim this lightly though because many of the military men and women STILL serving our country have done amazing things and they should be honored as well. I just don't think Veteran's Day is the day to do that because as I already said, they aren't veterans yet.

However, with all of that being said, I still celebrate and honor my own, personal soldier on this day. He, like many other military men and women, has served our country to the best of his ability and I have no doubt that he will continue to do amazing things throughout his service. And whether he chooses to get out of the army when his contract is up or continue to make a life within the army, I will support him and stand by him.

This Veteran's Day though, Danny and I spent the day apart...again. This whole separation thing is becoming way to routine for my liking! Anyway, Veteran's Day with a deployed boyfriend is really tough. I hate when people thank me for his service - and that's what happened. I am not serving. I have not served. I am not a soldier. So why am I being thanked for everything that he's done?! No. Thank him! Ask for his email! Tell me to thank him! You could even thank me for putting up with the army shindigs or for putting up with a deployment (like the worry, loneliness, distance, etc). But do not thank me for HIS service because I didn't do anything. Another thing I hate about this day when D's away is the mere face that everyone wants to talk about him. I do a fairly amazing job at not thinking about Danny when I'm around other people and I do a fairly decent job at hiding my fear for him and the jobs he is doing overseas. Therefore, when you feel the need to pat me on the back as if you feel sorry for me - I lose it! (yes! this actually happened - and in church at that. seriously lady?!) And in the process you've pissed me off because I do not need anyone to feel sorry for me! At the end of the day, I knew what I was signing up for and I knew the pressures that comes along with the army life. So just don't do it! Like at all! Then again these are the thinks that piss me off everyday, not just on Veteran's Day. Veteran's Day just seems to amplify the amount of times it happens within any given day! I was not a happy camper!

But on a brighter note - and I know it's late, forgive me?

Happy Veteran's Day! (:

Until Next Time - stay safe, stay strong, keep your head up and keep pressing on

-V-

We Chose This - Now How Do We Cope?!

We don't! :/

A lot of the time I find myself blaming the Army for sending him away, for leaving me here alone, for all the stress in my life. But at the end of the day, we BOTH chose this life and we knew what we were getting into.

Danny CHOSE to enlist. That was his decision. No matter what anyone said, would've said, should've said .. he was going to enlist! This is his passion in life and he is pursuing this dream the best he can. And for that I'm so proud of him. It's rather attractive actually. I, however, did not sign the dotted line giving my life to the Army. I did agree to stand by him though when I entered into this relationship. We both knew that he was stationed out of state. We both knew that he could potentially get PCSed somewhere else - maybe even further away! We both knew the dangers associated with his career. We both knew that injuries could happen - and for us it did. We also knew deployments WOULD come. They are just unavoidable. We didn't expect he'd have to deploy twice within such a short amount of time though; it's actually really rare that this happen I hear. But after all, it is the Army..they kinda do what they want.

Regardless, I know I complain a lot about our situation! I hate that he's gone a lot and I hate that now that he's deployed, the weather and the Army and everything else it seems dictate when and how often we're able to talk to each other or even email each other! Its hard! Let's be blunt - he's in a war zone! Everyday he goes into combat and everyday something could happen! That's the reality of his deployment; hell, any deployment! And what am I suppose to do?! Go absolutely crazy worrying?! I've already aced that one! Its hard being left behind and knowing what he's suppose to be doing and then not hearing from him for weeks at a time! Come on now! How are you suppose to stay calm?! Uhh - you're not! I'm a nervous wreck every second of every minute of every hour of every day he's over there!

My mind goes into crazy overdrive with all these "what-ifs". Seriously though! What if he gets hurt again?! What if its more serious this time and gets a medical discharge or is permanently disabled?! How will we handle everything - finances, future children, everything?!?! What if its worse - he doesn't make it home?! What will I do without him?! I've built my whole future on this relationship. I honestly don't know how I'll go on! I pride myself as being an independent girl and I believe this is still true. But I love him so much that if he were to pass, I don't know how I'll survive. What if this deployment affects him like the last one?! We worked through the last one; yes, it got ugly sometimes but we got through it. Will we be that lucky twice?! I absolutely hate these questions. These feelings. They haunt me.

until next time - stay safe, stay strong, keep your head up and keep pressing on

-V-

oh good Lord .. what have I done?!

October 2, 2012 .. I may or may not have made the biggest mistake! :/

So me, being the best girlfriend in. the. world, spent all Tuesday morning..and well part of the afternoon baking Danny cookies and rice krispies and all sorts of goodies to send to him and his buddies! (: And well, since I'm a pretty awesome person...I threw in a little for a couple of my MilSOs ..I told y'all they were important people! Any.way. I was sitting at the kitchen table writing cutesy love notes to my baby and Darren ..cause Danny's friends, especially his army friends and even more especially his deployed friends are my friends too...duhh! So I'm sitting at the kitchen table writing these out and my roommate was "attempting" to study..I say attempting because she really spent all morning sitting around laughing at me spending so much time cutting the rice krispies into hearts and going on and on about the color of my cookies and how I thought they were too burnt to send anywhere except the trashcan; I made homemade rice krispies and homemade chocolate chip cookies ..but I turned the cookies pink and the bottoms were slightly too brown - when it comes to baking I'm a mad hardcore perfectionist! She actually used the phrase "I knew you loved Danny, but I didn't realize how much until now!" I've made tons of care-packages before, but this is the first one she's witnessed.

So back to the story..sorry I'm all over the place tonight ! I'm writing the letters and Mandi asked if she could write them a note. And what am I gonna say?! no?! They're deployed..they need all sorts of loving, encouraging letters!! (: I go and pull out all of stationary, seriously I have like a box/bag full, and let her pick out cards and markers and sticker..the works! Then she proceeded to spend AN HOUR trying to decide what to write to this boyy! Seriously..not even playing! Only to end up tell him that he's weird! I wish I could make this up! (even as I'm writing this..she's sitting across from me stressing about whether or not he'll think she's crazy or strange - I don't even know!)

I'm sure Darren - and Danny - will love her letters! But...

1. I wish she wouldn't stress so much! Darren's a really awesome person and is going to love anything..ANYTHING...anyone sends him! Regardless of how cheesy it is or sounds! That's just the man he is!
2. Her letter was sweet ..what's to worry about?!
3. Darren likes her too!! Did we forget that part?!
4. WHAT HAVE I DONE?! I feel like I'm encouraging my best friend to be in a military relationship! They are NOT easy! They are NOT like the movies! They are stressful, and lonely, and well, just plain difficult! Even the best of couples are tested once one goes military! Why would I put my best friend though this crap I'm going through?!?! It doesn't make sense!

...I do want her to be happy though..so if things with this boy do work out..I will be supportive! I just have a really hard time setting this up knowing how difficult this relationship will inevitably be! :(

Here's her letters! (: ..sorry the picture quality suuuuckkkkkkks!!

until next time - stay safe, stay strong, keep your head up, and keep pressing on

-V-

seriously?! you can't like him!!

i love my best friend, mandi. she's amazing! no, seriously. i also love danny's best friend, darren. he's equally amazing ..maybe a little more since part of his job is making sure danny doesn't get hurt while they're both deployed.

regardless of their amazing-ness, darren has made it very apparent to me that he thought she was attractive. i didn't set them up because he's in the army and i know first hand how hard and flat out stressful this life can be. and i know he's flat out broke up with girls because they weren't catholic and not black. like seriously darren?! how shallow can we be! any.way. so as much as he talks my ear off about her and all the things danny tells him, i just can't bring myself to give her this life. this life of constant worry and tears and stress..i just can't do it to her! i don't think the world could handle the two of us being an emotional wreck!

so last night, mandi and i were studying in the living room. well, we were attempting to study..you know how it is. but she literally chatted my ear off about darren. 

he's so cute victoria.

victoria, he plays guitar.

why do you hate me?!

you know we could go on double dates if you hook us up ..

victoria, why not?!

it was seriously the most entertaining night of my life. i don't apologize for not willingly set them up for reasons i've already said. buuuttt, if things were to just happen, who am i to stop fate?! while they may not be to most compatible in my eyes, maybe they're actually perfect for each other! i'm up for seeing how this pans out! :P i love my best friends.

until next time - stay safe, stay strong, keep your head up and keep pressing on

-V-