Christmas Without You - Take One

Christmastime. Its defined by many as the most magical time of the year. I too believed in the magical power of this time of year - the time when its cold and the best place in the world is next to the fireplace, the time when people cared more about others than themselves, the time when things just seemed to go your way, the time when everything was just perfect! I was all set this year to go about Christmas this year with my family and in constant prayer for my deployed soldier. However, this year I suppose things'll go a little bit differently. Who am I trying to fool?! Things are going to be completely different. This is the first Christmas that I'll be "widowed" and the first Christmas where I'll have to sit among my entire family and know that the one person I love more than anything in this world will not call me - cannot call me, there is absolutely no chance. Christmas during a deployment is tough, but it's manageable. Even if he can't call on Christmas day, you might be able to hear from him the day before, the day after, a week or two after - but you always have that hope that he'll call, he'll email. The point is, even during a deployment, we, as military spouses, hold onto hope and that hope is what gets us through the darkest days. But what happens when all hope is gone, shattered like an ornament falling from the top of the tree?! Well, I suppose you get a Christmas and a Christmas spirit similar to mine.

Christmas will never, ever be the same. It will never have that same magic and every year I'll be reminded of what my life should have been like - my handsome husband, children, the huge tree, presents, breakfast Christmas morning, everything! Now of course, I can still have the tree and the decorations and the presents, but I'm never going to be able to wake up to Danny on Christmas morning, I'm never going to see our kids open presents Christmas morning.

This year, however, I did decorate this little place I call home. But for the record, for that lovely guardian angel I have watching over me, I only did this for you! If I had it my way, December 25, 2012 and all the other December 25ths in the future would be just another day - just another day with you! But I made a promise and I don't break promises! I promised him "to continue to live, even when your gone". Now, I made this promise thinking I'd struggle to live day to day without him by my side until this deployment was over, until we were married. This promise takes a whole new meaning today though. This one promise is the sole reason I get out of bed everyday and lets be honest, probably the reason I haven't attempted to take my own life (because between me and all of you, I've thought about it!).

So in honor and in loving memory of my guardian angel, Merry Christmas! This Christmas I ask all of you to take a few moments and remember all the fallen heros and those service members who are not able to be with their families for the holidays. Freedom isn't free and this Christmas we should all be thankful for those who paid the ultimate sacrifice.

Until Next Time - stay safe, stay strong, keep your head up and keep pressing on

-V-

Gloomy, Gloomsville - Population One

The past couple weeks, well ever since I heard about the attack, my whole entire life has been turned completely upside down. Like literally, it a battle everyday to even get out of bed. I feel like there is a huge hole in my chest where my heart should be. That heart that I once had, the heart of hope and faith and trust and love is no longer there. It was ripped out the moment Danny died. And it hurts - like a physical pain. I've had bad relationships before and I've endured my fair share of break ups, but this is different. We didn't break-up. We didn't drift apart or even grow apart. We wanted to be together. We planned our lives together. We were meant and destined to be together. He was taken from me way to soon! We weren't even given the chance to fail. I feel even if we'd broken up later down the road, or even now, it wouldn't hurt this bad. Now, I feel I've been cheated the chance at a family, at a marriage. I feel like my whole world has been ripped away from me. I don't know how to live anymore. I merely run on auto-pilot day in and day out. I don't feel anything anymore. I don't want to be around anyone anymore. Its almost like if I stop living then he'll come back and none of this will have ever happened. I almost feel that if I stop moving forward then it'll be like nothing has changed - he's still deployed and will be home..eventually. I know how crazy this must all sound and some of you are probably already dialing the nearest psychiatric hospital to put me in, but its honestly how I feel. Its hard getting up every morning, going to school, going to church...living...knowing that everything is completely different now. It's hard going on about my life knowing that I don't have much of a life anymore or any one to share that life with anymore. I've said it before, but I'll say it again, its not fair.

I feel sad - all the time. Its like I don't know how to be happy anymore. I catch myself laughing or smiling at something someone has said or done, but that temporary feeling and action fades within a few seconds and I'm right back to my constant emotions - sadness, depression, grief, heart ache. Even the world seems to feel this way! Since Danny passed, the weather around this apartment has been extremely moody and gloomtastic. There has been this constant over-shadow sky, rain, wind, etc. Its as if God is sad too; as if He is mourning the loss of another soul taken too soon, cheated out of a future as such a young age. So maybe, Gloomy, Gloomsville has a population of two!

and now it's my turn

It has been a hard week to say the least. Between grieving, finals, and roommate drama, the fact I'm still alive and/or not in jail is nothing shy of a miracle. Seriously though. I'm usually not the type of person that wallows in self pity or allows emotions to completely overwhelm me. This week, however, I was completely consumed - with sadness, with anger, with frustration. I'm fortunate in the sense that I have many friends, both military and non, that are concerned with my overall well-being and have frequently checked in on me. It seems to be the general consensus that I'm allowed to feel this way, I'm entitled to have these emotions, and it's okay to have these feelings consume me in this moment of my life. But this isn't me. Without Danny here, I feel lost. I feel like I have no reason to live, no reason to finish school, no reason to go on.

However, throughout these conversations, I've also heard the line "you have to live for the both of you now" and "in everything you do, honor him, make him proud, don't let his sacrifice be wasted". And since I've practically lived in my bed this week, I've had lots of time to think about this, what this means, and what I can do. I've come to the conclusion that the best way to honor his memory is to continue his fight, his duty. But how do I do that?! I'm not a soldier. I do not have the passion it takes to even become a soldier. That was always his passion. Through my love for him and my love for this country, I have developed a passion for supporting our troops. During both of Danny's deployments and while he was "home", I loved sending morale to him, his best friends, and the rest of his troop. It was my thing.

So now, I'm an official volunteer doing whatever is needed to help military members stay strong and come back to their families. A lot of my friends have begun volunteering through Homefront Hugs and Soldiers' Angels, so I figured I'd give it a whirl. I've got to keep going and I've got to stay strong. Danny dedicated his whole life to this fight - now it's my turn!

maybe i do believe in those mysterious ways

I was raised in a very old-fashioned, Southern family which means that I was also raised in an old-fashioned, Baptist church. I love my church - the Spirit, the people, all of it. But I believe that church and going to church is a lot different than your relationship with Christ. Anyone can go to church. A lot of people actually do go to church. But having a relationship with God - that's a completely different thing. I won't lie, my personal relationship with him hasn't always been perfect and it still isn't. I have this really bad tendency to blame God when things go badly. I question His will and I get angry when things don't go like they should. When I heard the news of the accident and then Danny's final fate, I was mad. I was angry. I lashed out! I remember the exact thought - "I'm never going back to church. God hates me! Why should I go and be faithful when He took the one person..the only person..I wanted to spend forever with, the one man that I cannot live without." I'm embarrassed to have had this thought, but it is the truth.

I skipped Wednesday night service and was awake in plenty of time Sunday morning to get ready, but did not go. I literally just laid in bed. Then, my mom took me to lunch - I'm not sure why she thinks its such a great idea to drag me around!! I found out that my little brother, who had just confessed his calling to preach, was preaching for the very first time. That's my little brother. My life. We're like best friends. I needed to be there! So I went...only to support Jonathan and no other reason. I avoided person after person - I hate the pity stares and sympathy hugs! But I walk through the doors and the tears begin to pour...again. It was almost as if God was telling me that He was still here for me! Telling me that He was there regardless of how I felt. Telling me that He was giving me time to grieve.

At the end of the day, I know that Danny trusted God with everything and probably didn't question this end when it was coming. But it still hurts - not for him of course. I know where he is, he's not hurting and he's probably looking down at me begging me not to grieve for him. I just can't help it though! I guess its all a part of the process...I just never wanted to have to go through the process. We were suppose to have 100+ years together!! But here I am just wishing for one more day, one more hug, one more kiss, one more conversation. Its only been a few days, but I swear it just keeps sinking in harder and harder and it keeps becoming more real and more real and these days have felt like centuries. :'(

the author of your own life ... really now?!

For the past week or so, my philosophy class has been discussing "Existentialism is a Humanism" by Jean-Paul Sartre. As I listen to the lectures, the idea that you are the author of your own life became a pretty apparent concept throughout the text. When we first started to discuss this text, I was totally on board with this idea. I truly believed that we were in control of our own lives and the choices we make define and shape who we are and the type of people we become. When I was in middle school, my best friend Kelly passed away and I had a super rough time dealing with it. I felt that I could've done something - should have done something - to save her. But even with her passing, I still believed that I had control. She was my best friend and I miss her like crazy, but I still had control over my life. The person I chose to marry, the amount of children I wanted to have, when I chose to have those kids, where I chose to marry - these and many more are things I had control over.

I don't feel this way anymore. I chose a person! He was my person, my best friend, the love of my life. We had planned everything and everything I wanted, he wanted too. We wanted children - lots of children! We wanted children within a year or so of our wedding. I wanted to be a nurse and he wanted to be a soldier. We decided that we'd live our lives together and we'd live wherever the army sent us. We were happy and we'd spend the rest of our lives happy. This was the book I wrote! The book WE wrote! And I loved every chapter of it. 

Within one phone call, the whole world stopped spinning and my co-author was taken from me. Literally ripped out of my life. Its not fair. I feel lost and alone. He left me here...alone. I feel like I need my best friend - both of them - to talk to but neither of them are here. How is this fair at all?! How is this my life?! I don't feel in control anymore. The book that I wanted to write, the book I wrote already, is no longer possible for my life. So how can I be the author of my own life?! I can't.

One phone call was all it took to change my life, to destroy my whole world, to kill every hope, every dream I ever had. One phone call and every opinion and thought that I had was changed. One accident, one attack ..and everything ended.