My name is Victoria and I'm a masochist. The saddest part - I never intend to bum myself out, but here I am in an incredibly bad mood.
Why? Because of How I Met Your Mother, that's why!
Now, everything is upsetting me. My cluttered house. The stack of homework I have yet to start. The numerous hours I still have to clock this semester. The fact that I have school TWICE this week and my school is an hour away. The fact that one of those days I have a THREE HOUR BREAK!
The anger and frustrations, while present, are only masking my true feelings. Let me start by saying that I'm grateful to be in a place where I can recognize these feelings and realize that I'm lashing out. Believe me, it use to not be this way. What are these hidden and secretive feelings? They're not so secretive. I feel alone. I feel left out. I feel isolated. I feel no one cares. I feel no matter how hard I try, I'm never going to be anyone's priority. I feel I'm losing my family. I feel my friends are walking away.
I feel ...exhausted.
The day started incredibly uneasy. My weekend was filled with fun, cuddles, and loads of downtime with my current (a post for another day). Today, however, started with me being bailed on, me being left out, and me spending the whole day alone. In true fashion, I proceeded to watch TV all day instead of being productive. Netflix has recently released the last season of How I Met Your Mother and I've been so anxiously waiting to find out how Ted and Tracy meet!
Anyhow, I'm minding my own business, camped out in the living and scarfing down Chinese food when THIS happens!
Tracy is at a bar and this guy, Louis, buys her a drink and proceeds to ask her out. The dialogue is as follows:
Louis: "So, do you want to get dinner sometime?"
Tracy: "Louis, you're really nice, but I was in love with somebody a long time ago and he died."
Louis: "Oh, I'm sorry"
Tracy: "No, I'm sorry. It's silly, but it's like the first lottery ticket I ever bought was kaboom, jackpot, and I'm pretty sure I'm not going to win again, not like that anyway. So I don't generally buy lottery tickets anymore."
This is exactly how I feel and I'm almost positive this is the reason I'm so reserved in my current relationship. Actually, I'm pretty positive this feeling is the reason behind most things I do.
For example, my current and I have had many downs! He's not perfect, nor have I ever claimed him to be. Please note that I'm not excusing previous behavior, but we're working through things and we'd appreciate support. We fight .. a lot! We think completely differently. We have completely different aspirations and completely different plans for the future. But he loves me! The closer I feel he gets, the more fights I pick and the faster I run. Why? Because I already won the lottery so obviously I'm just going to get hurt, right? I'm one of those old-fashioned, you-only-get-one kinda thinkers. I already had my one. There shouldn't be any more, right?
That's my thought! I don't know if Corey is right for me and if we're destined to be together, but how am I ever going to find out if I keep holding on to someone who isn't here? I'm not! Even with this realization, I can't seem to let Danny go. He's such a vital part of who I am and the person I want to be.
How do you let that go? How does one live life without that part of you? How does one give herself completely to another when part of her has died?
I don't know the answers to these questions. Nor do I know if a future relationship can be had with these questions unanswered. Then again, I always felt that when the right person came along ..things with him and I and Danny's memory would just work out.
I'm thoroughly upset though and thoroughly confused. My heart aches ..for comfort, closeness, closure, and peace.
Peace and Love,
V
0 comments:
Post a Comment